There are times when it is inappropriate for certain insiders to take control. It would be embarrassing, to say the least, for a young insider to play in the presence of adults who have no understanding of Dissociative Identity Disorder. It would be dangerous for a suicidal insider or a little one with no driving skills to take control of a moving car.

It is best to negotiate and plan in advance how to cope with such situations. In dire emergencies, however, it could be necessary to do everything you can to restrain insiders. Sometimes certain insiders are able to ‘physically’ restrain other insiders, such as confining them to an innner room. Obviously, this is likely to be even more effective if every available insider helps to restrain the one that is about to do something dangerous. Such restraint should be as gentle as possible and used only as a last resort in a dire emergency.

It is possible to put an insider to sleep. A friend of mine has an insider who discovered she could do this to her fellow insiders by saying in a gentle, sing-song voice, “You’re getting s-l-e-e-e-e-p-y.” A woman was seeking a psychologist’s but this was becoming problematic because one of her insiders would repeatedly run out of his office. The psychologist resolved this by informing her insiders that he had the power to put them to sleep. He wrapped a cord around the doorknob and told the insider who kept running away that if she touched it she would instantly fall asleep. It happened. When one of the insiders physically attacked the psychologist, he authoritatively shouted, “Sleep!” and the insider, being convinced that the psychologist had this power, fell into a deep sleep.

Insiders deserve respect. It is something they were cruelly denied in their formation, and healing cannot occur without restoring their dignity. They also need to become self-motivated in doing what is right. So restraint or manipulation should resorted to as little as possible. It is much more preferable, whenever practical, to use persuasive arguments to convince an insider not to do something dangerous. It is important to inform insiders of the consequences of their actions. For example, insiders who are deeply hurting often do not realize that hurting or killing their body would affect every other insider, and once they realize this they restrain themselves. Some insiders are more skilled than others at gentle persuasion.

Priorities

It is obviously important to give top priority to helping suicidal insiders or those seeking to hurt other insiders, since time devoted to them will help not only them but, of course, every part of you that they might hurt. Moreover, the mere fact that they are acting this way is proof that they are very needy and deeply hurting. Spend much time encouraging these insiders to share their stories and to verbally vent to you. This will probably be unpleasant for you. Deeply hurting insiders are usually filled with rage and bring memories and feelings you long to run from, but this is a huge issue with you today only because you have run from it all your life. The cowardly way of not facing these issues is like refusing to admit to a financial problem and getting deeper and deeper into debt. It will eventually catch up with you and you will wish you had spared yourself so much pain by dealing with it earlier.

So listen carefully to your insiders, giving priority to those causing you the most trouble. Ironically, the insiders you most need to relate closely with are usually the ones you would most prefer to ignore. They can cause trouble because they are suffering intense inner pain, partly due to feeling unlovable, isolated and/or rejected. You can dramatically reduce their enormous inner pain by listening carefully to them (thus ending their painful isolation) and showing them much unconditional love. If they are comfortable about being hugged, use your imagination to comfort them often in this way.

Most likely, when such insiders were originally traumatized, no one believed them. Not being believed is itself deeply wounding, so it is important to believe your insiders so as not to perpetuate their pain. It is possible for an insider to misinterpret events because they were young or can only remember snippets of what happened, but believe that they are not deliberately lying and that, despite you wanting to run from the truth, it is quite likely that their interpretation of events is correct.

Differing Knowledge

One of the most serious sources of conflict can be over visiting someone of whom certain alters are terrified but others desperately want to visit because they feel obligated to do so or feel deeply drawn to.

In one instance, the host, whom I will call Anna (not her real name), adored a close relative and insisted on visiting and honoring him, whereas others were adamant that he was guilty of horrific crimes against them, inflicted from babyhood onward. I had known them for quite some time. I will share what I wrote to them because it explains a common reason for conflict:

I want to affirm that I fully believe each of you. All of your memories are real. The things you recall actually happened. Memories of this man doing atrocious things, for example, are real, and Anna’s memories of him being sweet and kind and loving are just as real. Understandably, the result is highly confusing for you.

People are so complex that if you examined the life of a mass murderer or sadistic serial rapist and edited out all the atrocities and retained only the good things they had done, the compilation would be impressive. This is what happened to dear Anna’s experience of this man. Every time he began to engage in vile acts of perversion or cruelty, Anna instantly blacked out and another alter took over, so that every experience she ever had with him was positive, and each bad time was experienced by another alter who was forced to endure it. I feel deeply for those alters who endured these things.

Your collective mind did this because it is impossible for children to get their head around the complexity of having to live with someone who at times would be exceptionally good and kind and Christian and at other, rarer, times was the exact opposite. As is typical of D.I.D., these mental gymnastics enabled Anna to enjoy islands of peace when she was able to feel both loved (which she desperately craved because of her cold mother) and secure, rather than endure the horror of continual awareness that she was living with someone who, before long, would do appalling things to her. All of you benefited from these islands of peace because they enabled to Anna to function at school, and so on. If it were not for these breaks, you would probably all have ended up in a mental institution.

Anna’s experiences were real but were founded on the belief that this man was always safe and good. It came from her being unaware of all the times he treated you atrociously – times when, at huge cost to themselves, others bravely took over so that she could maintain that illusion. Because of this, Anna is deeply indebted to all the others who suffered so much.

Anna is no longer a child, and with this maturity and security comes the mental capacity to cope with the reality of there being two diametrically opposed sides to this one relative. However, accepting this truth involves the breaking of a lifelong habit that has been entrenched by all her first-hand experiences with him being positive because whenever the unpleasant was about to occur she lost consciousness and another part took over.

Each alter has part of the jigsaw of what this man was really like, and the full picture emerges only by piecing together every parts’ memories. The full picture is complex and hard to get one’s head around because he was nice some times, and cruel and perverse at other times.

Whereas the truth liberates and heals, running from the full truth keeps on fueling the insidious lie that you must cower for the rest of your life, terrorized by false guilt and groundless fear, and never enjoy the healing and fulfillment that flows from inner wholeness. The choice is entirely yours: with God on your side you can muster the courage and strength to embrace the full truth, or you can spend the rest of your life running from it. Stare down those mockers that flood you with doubt and fear, and they will flee. Running from them, however, emboldens them to keep on haunting you. More than that: it perpetuates the fracturedness within; robbing you of the healing and empowering you were born to enjoy.

In this case, all agreed that due to their physical maturity they were now in no physical danger. They simply disagreed strongly as to how they should treat him. In many cases, however, the consequences of visiting a former abuser are far more serious and I would have pleaded with the host to yield to the concerns of any alter who is afraid.

See Beyond Surface Issues

There’s a link at the end of this page to a full webpage of help for self-harm, and another encouraging series devoted to breaking addictions. It is important, however, to realize that self-harm, over-eating or under-eating, overwork, chemical addictions, anger, bitterness, porn use, masturbation, sexual fantasies and promiscuity are usually all expressions of devastatingly strong inner pain. Once insiders’ anguish is lowered, it is so much easier for them to cease their undesirable behavior. So even if you find their behavior deeply disturbing, do your utmost to see past these surface issues to their deep pain for which they need and deserve your help and compassion.

Gently point out to them how ineffective or even counterproductive their undesirable behavior is. They usually focus so much on the temporary relief that their bad behavior gives that they are barely aware of the after-effects, which are often so unpleasant that they end up intensifying the insiders’ pain and so driving them in a vicious circle. In many cases, for example, their undesirable behavior creates a temporary high that is followed by such a downer that it pressures them to seek another high to overcome the downer that their undesirable behavior created.

The Embarrassing Things Little Insiders Want

Baby insiders might need diapers, want formula milk, be unable to walk, and so on. This is understandably very distressing for adults and so they are strongly pressured to deny their little ones what they need, and endeavor to suppress these insiders.

It is important to realize that neglecting a baby’s basic needs is in itself child abuse. You suffered abuse when young that was not your fault, but for you to now deny your baby insiders their needs is to perpetuate child abuse and this time it would be your fault. There was a time when you did not understand D.I.D. and acted in ignorance. But now that you are beginning to understand, please resist any temptation to take upon yourself the mentality of an abuser. Refuse to let your former abuser turn you into an abuser by the way you treat your little ones. All babies are a lot of work and at times embarrass their parents (by crying at inappropriate times, breaking other people’s things, and so on) but all babies deserve unconditional love.

If, even when it is safe for baby insiders to take control, you continue to suppress them or deny them their basic needs, you will never allow them to heal and grow. You will remain in inner pain for the rest of your life and unable to access your full intellectual capacity.

Young insiders will feel less pressure to play at inappropriate times if their need for play is met at other times of the day. So do your best to schedule such times into your day. Play is more than a luxury; it is a vital aspect of a child’s development and learning. If you missed out on this as a child, you bear the consequences even now. For you to become an emotionally fulfilled adult, this deficiency must be overcome, and the way to do this is to let your child insiders play. In the long term, you will benefit from this, as well as them.

Negotiate

Where possible, negotiate with your insiders. Do deals with them: “You can do so and so at such and such a time, if you do or don’t do this now” or “If you do this for me, I’ll do this positive thing for you.” Incentives and compromises are good. Threats should be avoided.

Many people find it helpful to have meetings of all insiders and work out rules, such as certain insiders must not assume control of the car or must not take over at work. There can also be general rules, such as insiders are encouraged to share with other insiders whatever is frustrating them but they must not insult each other. Some people find it helpful to put these agreements in writing and for every insider to sign it.

Coping with Strong, Incompatible Tastes

A woman I’ll call Mary has several female insiders and one male insider (Punk). The zipper on her backpack broke, so she entered a store to buy a new one. Suddenly, she had several insiders talking to her at once. Punk liked a black and orange backpack. A little insider, Enchanted said, “No! That’s too boyish, Punk!”

Then they saw one with a Buccaneers logo. Punk liked it, but said “No, Matthew (Mary’s son) will be jealous and I’ll have to fight him for it. It’s not worth it.”

Next, they saw a corduroy black one with a pink butterfly embroidered on the front. Mary really liked that one and so did Enchanted. But Punk didn’t like the butterfly.

So, back to the drawing board. They saw a camouflage one. Mary, Rose and Free Bird liked it, but Enchanted didn’t.

“I know this is stupid,” Mary told me, “but I really need a backpack. Could you please pray that we’ll all reach an agreement? My counselor pointed out today is that I’m becoming more accepting of my insiders. I agree. But my goodness! How far do I go to try to accommodate everyone?”

I suggested that they vote on it. There are several different ways of voting. A quick way is to eliminate any backpack that any insider feels he or she absolutely cannot tolerate. Then vote on the remainder by a simple show of hands.

A more sophisticated way is for every insider to rank every backpack, with the lowest figure being the highest ranking. You would then get something like this:

If you know a little about spreadsheets, you could create a blank one and use it over and over for different decisions. In cases where there are two options with the equal lowest score, have a second vote with just these two as contenders.

Another possibility is for insiders to take turns making a decision. Insider 1 might have chosen what they ate last meal, so it is Insider 2’s turn to choose next meal. This approach applies well to regular decisions of the same type, such as what music will be played. You could keep a record of whose turn it is by a simple table like this:

In the above, Insiders 1, 2 and 3 have had their choice over the last three occasions and it is now Insider 4’s opportunity to make a choice. When everyone has had a turn, start over again.

It Might Get Surprisingly Easy

In time, you might discover an insider who is skilled and highly respected by the other insiders in making certain types of decisions. If this happens, life will be greatly simplified for you. Consider the experience of a woman I’ll call Karen.

It is not unusual for anyone to sometimes find it difficult to decide what to wear, but Karen often found it unusually frustrating and confusing. She also found bill paying excessively stressful and keeping to her budget caused her much angst.

When Karen was in her late thirties she finally realized she had Dissociative Identity Disorder. Gradually, over the next year she became aware of more and more insiders. At first, her dressing problems actually worsened. One of the insiders was a teenager and another was convinced she was an alien. The “alien” at first did not want even to be on earth and spent most of her time visiting other “planets.” Slowly this insider began spending more and more time with us mortals. To everyone’s surprise, this “otherworldly” insider developed a fashion sense that was so good that all the other insiders came to respect it. Eventually, Karen and all her insiders felt comfortable about letting this insider decide what to wear each day. From then on, dressing became an easy task.

Recently, Karen mentioned that she had had difficulty dressing that morning. Surprised, I asked her why. They had had little sleep that night and this insider they had learned to depend on had slept in!

It turned out that the teenage insider was good at budgeting and every insider respected her financial decisions. If she said they could not afford something, they would not buy it.

Creating a Safe Internal Haven

Some conflicts are best resolved by creating a pleasant, secure internal place for insiders to retreat to while other insiders temporarily assume control. This safe haven is lockable from the inside, allowing insiders to keep out anyone they fear. And because being in the haven allows them to block out awareness of what is happening in the outside world, it can protect sensitive insiders from situations that some insiders feel the need to expose themselves to, but others want to avoid.

When scared, insiders typically go into hiding. They retreat to what to them is a very real place created in their powerful imagination. Often, however, they visualize themselves retreating to a drab, depressingly boring place, such as a closet, without a warm, comfy bed or opportunities to have fun. Moreover, it does not let them feel particularly secure because if their internal hiding place were found, insiders or abusers could force their way in and hurt them. So even when hiding, insiders are often feel bored, uncomfortable and fearful of being found.

Encourage your insiders to build internally a totally secure and beautiful haven. The possibilities are as boundless as your imagination. Just one example is a beautiful garden with a playground, surrounded by impenetrable walls and a foolproof security system.

Ideally, insiders should create a large common area in this haven, where they spend most of their time getting to know each other and enjoying each other’s company. Within this area, however, each should have a private place they can lock from the inside and temporarily withdraw to in an emergency, such as if an insider surfaces who wants to hurt other insiders. Even the private places should have monitors allowing those seeking refuge to see and hear the outside world, but able to be switched off when things in the outside world are too stressful. There should be a means whereby messages can be sent to everyone if they need to be informed of something, such as letting them know when it is safe outside.

This safe haven can save many a conflict. Consider, for example, one or more insiders recognizing the importance of a medical appointment but others are terrified of it or simply refuse to go. Rather than fight over this important matter, the insider most able to handle the appointment can take over during the visit while the others retreat into their safe haven, switch off the monitor and remain there until the insider left in charge indicates that the ordeal is over. A similar situation is where certain insiders wish to engage in marital relations but others would find the experience upsetting. There are many other applications.

The Great Unifier

There are so many vital reasons for giving priority to helping each of your insiders discover how wonderful Jesus is and have him as their best friend.

Jesus bore all their anguish on the cross so that they can be freed from everything weighing them down. He alone has the perfect solution to the almost intolerable guilt and feelings of shame and inner pain they bear. He, like no one else, gives them the deep love and compassionate understanding that they crave and he will even meet the needs of little ones that it is inappropriate for any human adult to meet.

Enormous damage ensues when abused children accept as truth their abusers’ view of them. Unless they heal, they will be crippled by this highly damaging, false self-image throughout their lives; mistakenly seeing themselves as defiled, deserving of punishment, unlovable, of no value except as sex objects, and so on. Because they see themselves that way, they treat themselves and their fellow insiders that way and let others treat them that way. In contrast, Jesus sees them as pure and holy. Through swapping places with them on the cross, Jesus has swept away every trace of impurity and filled them with his purity. He sees them as lovable, of infinite value, and worthy of respect and honor. Healing results from them seeing themselves, their fellow insiders and other people as Jesus sees them. He treats them and their insiders with dignity, kindness, gentleness, patience and selflessness.

Jesus is the holy, all-knowing Judge of all humanity. His judgment of each of us is right, and anyone disagreeing with him will be proved wrong. To treat ourselves with contempt when Jesus thinks well of us is to act as if we know more about ourselves than the All-knowing One, and that we have higher moral standards than the Holy One. The more you and your insiders interact with Jesus, the more you will accept his staggeringly high evaluation of you. The healing benefits will be astounding.

As briefly explained, a huge reason for certain insiders being testy and hard to love is because they are almost out of their minds with pain. As they hand their pain over to Jesus, it is amazing to discover what kind, caring, lovable people they become.

Since them relating to Jesus will have enormous benefits, do everything you can think of to encourage all your insiders to regularly talk over everything with Jesus. It might take quite some time for them to trust Jesus enough to let him help them, so keep affirming that Jesus is safe, kind, gentle, patient, understanding, believes in them, is nothing like their abuser, and so on. Tell them how Jesus has helped you.

As they let Jesus heal them, the little ones will mature and all of the insiders will grow increasingly alike. Among the invaluable benefits of every insider growing more Christlike is that they will each become more alike through taking on the same moral values and outlook on life and their top priority will not be what pleases themselves, but what pleases Christ. Moreover, as they discover how loving and forgiving and selfless Jesus is, they will find it much easier to be loving and forgiving and selfless toward each other. I have often seen insiders gradually learn to enjoy sharing with the others, even though for a long while they had found it hard to share their toys or space.

Jesus is the great unifier.

Build a Strong Team Spirit

For quite a while, Karen’s “alien” insider seemed so weird and lacking in intelligence that her fellow insiders seriously wondered if she were mentally retarded. Now they look up to her as someone more capable than themselves, not just in fashion sense, but in many important areas of life. Had this insider been continually suppressed or maligned, every part of Karen would have ended up missing out on so much without ever realizing it.

One of Karen’s youngest insiders might have been thought too young to have been of much practical use to the rest of her but it turns out that, in stark contrast to the poor memory of the adult insiders, she has a photographic memory.

Another of her very young insiders is fearless in spiritual warfare and has sent demons fleeing that had terrorized an adult insider who, until then, had thought herself stronger than the little one and had acted as her protector.

Karen’s experience illustrates how vitally important every insider is. To reach your enormous potential, each insider must be respected and encouraged to learn and flourish.

Building a strong team spirit is vital for your healing. To achieve this, it is important that no insiders dominate. The opinion and concerns of every insider must be considered and valued. Insiders with particular skills should teach at least one or two others so that no insider is overworked and if a skilled insider is having a rough time, there are others who can act as a capable backup.

Each insider should seek to build up the self-esteem of every other insider.

For Karen’s “alien” insider, accepting her humanity was a long and painful journey. She has now made it and no longer regards herself as an alien, but as God’s agent. She was specifically led of God to invite all the others into her “spaceship” so that they would all have a safe haven in which to interact and become close friends. She was also divinely led to form little groups of two of three insiders and assign them various tasks to do as a team and to sleep with each other. The composition of these groups keeps changing so that all insiders get to know each other very well and cliques are avoided. There are a couple of pairs of insiders who feel very insecure if separated, so although they are not separated, they join in with one of two other insiders to temporarily form a new group.

About three times a day – usually early morning, lunchtime and bedtime – all of Karen’s insiders get together for a mass team meeting. Often the meetings last only five minutes but they update each other and check to see if any of them has problems. If they discover that one of them is having a hard time, they all rally round to help this insider. Sometimes they need longer meetings to sort out disputes, or special challenges.

If your insiders have not yet reached this ease of interaction they need at least to write notes so that when one insider is not around, others know what purchases have been made, what needs to be done, and so on.

A key aspect of team building is having fun together. Art is a common choice for many people with Dissociative Identity Disorder but, of course, hobbies, interests and skills differ from person to person. The goal must be fun, not perfection, with little insiders being allowed to contribute and be appreciated. In Karen’s case, reading is something all her insiders enjoy. Various insiders will nominate books they would like to read next and they lobby hard for their particular book. Lobbying might last a few days, and then they all vote. If there is no clear winner, they will have a second vote. They find this selection process a lot of fun. Then when it comes to reading, it is not just one who always reads but they share the responsibility.

Trust must be built. For instance, each insider needs to be certain that none of the other insiders would force him or her into a situation he or she finds traumatic.

Insiders need to feel that they are all on the same side, working toward the same goal. For example, all of Karen’s insiders are united in wanting to present a professional attitude at work. They know that some insiders are more patient with a certain work colleague, so they agree that the insiders best able to relate to that colleague take over whenever they have to interact with that person.

Dating Squabbles

It is not unusual for some insiders to feel romantically attracted to someone that other insiders do not like. This difference is actually a blessing because it highlights the fact that the person is not ready for a relationship. Until you are healed, romantic involvement is unwise. You are most unlikely to be able to make wise choices until you are fully healed from the aftermath of sexual abuse and until all insiders are attracted to the same person. Waiting for this to happen is frustrating but the consequences of not waiting can be absolutely devastating.

Disagreements over Movies Etc

With some forms of entertainment it is safe for insiders to take turns in choosing, but some things can be so triggering or upsetting to certain insiders that they should be completely protected from exposure to them. Even some children’s programs can be highly upsetting to certain highly traumatized little insiders. It is important to act responsibly by never indulging oneself at the expense of sensitive insiders. If you are not certain that every vulnerable insider will remain in the safe haven with the monitor to the outside world switched off, don’t take risks by watching something that might take an unexpected twist and end up re-traumatizing an insider. Dozing off in front of a television is particularly unsafe. A little insider might wake up while you remain asleep and the program might have changed.

Final Thoughts

Unity among God’s children is high priority with God, so you can be sure that he is keen to teach and equip each of your insiders with the skills and graces required to live in peace and harmony with each other.

John 17:22-23 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one . . . May they be brought to complete unity . . .

Acts 4:32 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 12:5 so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

1 Corinthians 1:10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.

1 Corinthians 12:25-26 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Ephesians 4:3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Philippians 2:2-4 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

Although having Dissociative Identity Disorder seems like a disadvantage, the experience gained in grappling with the challenges it presents can end up making you better equipped for life than most other people. For example, conflict resolution is an invaluable life skill, not just for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder, but for everyone.

Related Pages

Building an Invincible Team: “Stronger Together”

A Cure for Self-Harm

Breaking Addictions

For much more insight and help, see:
Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder

Personalized support
Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.com

© 2009, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.com  Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.