Now that I am free, I sense that what fired my resentment were ugly and needless insecurities. Lurking below my consciousness was the fear that, at most, Jesus could only forgive minor sins. I did not realize that what drove my addiction to thinking evil of certain people was that the more I focused on their evil, the more my own sins seemed sufficiently minor to warrant God’s forgiveness. But even then, guilt drove me to fear that the supposed smallness of my sins was not enough and that God would not forgive and forget my past. So half of me wanted to get my revenge on God and reject him before he rejected me and to despise him so as to convince myself that losing him was not such a devastating loss.

Now I see it was all needless pain. God really does forgive the worst sins. So I had no need to keep forcing myself to believe my sins were minor by seeing other people as worse than me.

Taken from The Path to Healing

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