“My Husband Never Uses
My Name”

A woman e-mailed me, saying:

My husband never addresses me by name and ceased using my name at least 18 years ago, if not longer. This perplexes me, as even the dog gets addressed by name. What’s the psychology behind this? I know this is not unusual as I worked with another lady who had the same complaint.

My Response:

Do your children call you by your name? I suspect not. They probably call you Mommy, or something similar. Why? Because it expresses your uniqueness to them. There might be many Marys – or whatever your name is – but they have only one Mommy in the entire world.

For them to call you Mary, or Mrs. So-and-so, would seem so formal as to seem disrespectful. Likewise, many a man would feel that to address his wife – the only person he is one with – the same way other people address her would be so formal as to seem a denial of the unique place she holds in his life.

I suspect that for your husband, using one’s first name when addressing the person he is most intimate with is inappropriately formal. It is treating you in the same way that virtual strangers treat you.