There are unquestionably many wonderful things you adore about your friend. The dilemma is that if anyone has a truckload of good qualities mixed in with one serious flaw that would destroy a marriage, all those good things will mask the fatal flaw, rendering it exceedingly hard to spot.

Rather than keep cluttering this webpage with he/she the following is written as if the reader were male. If you are a woman, you are smart enough to make the necessary mental adjustment as you read. Ideally, both of you should write out your own answers and then thoroughly discuss with each other all of your responses.

Even more important than considering whether she can make you happy is whether you can make her happy. And here’s another vital question you must prayerfully ask yourself: is she too dependent upon me, rather than drawing her happiness, self-esteem, stability and so on from God?

Here are more questions to ask yourself and then discuss with your friend:

How much do I want my wife to be a Proverbs 31 woman? How does she feel about this?

How much do I want to be a husband like that described in Husband, Head of a Submissive Wife? How does she feel about this?

The Bible insists that wives should submit to their husbands. What, in detail, is my understanding of the implications of this? For example, if a husband and wife differ strongly on a matter, how should it be resolved?

How financially viable would our marriage be in the long term? Are we heading for financial problems? Are we equally committed to being debt-free and living within our means?

Do we have the same values regarding:

* hard work?

* finances?

How much do we have in common? On what issues do we differ?

What household chores does she expect me to do? And what do I expect of her in this regard? How well do I really understand how she feels about it?

After a few years of marriage will I want to spend every spare moment with her or will I prefer occasional breaks from her to enhance our times together? How do her needs in this regard compare with mine?

How would each of us feel and cope if she suffered severe Post-Natal Depression and lost all desire to look after children? Does she have what it takes to push through regardless? How much would I be expected to help?

How selfless is she?

Does she feel ashamed or embarrassed about any aspect of me? Is she secretly hoping I’ll change, get a higher paid, higher status job, etc?

Does she meet my deepest needs for approval, support and companionship? Does she meet my deepest emotional needs? How do I fare in doing this for her?

Is she going to stay as nice and compliant as she is now or will things change when we are married and there is no longer the possibility of us not marrying? How might I change when I marry and how will she respond to that?

Does she surround herself with friends whose values I admire – people who will give her advice and will influence her in ways I agree with?

Is she loved and liked by my friends and family and does she love and like them and seek to build up my family relationships? How do I fare with her friends and family? What do all those who know us honestly think about us marrying? Do they have reservations about how suited we are to each other?

Does she help me draw nearer to God? How well and how often do we pray together?

Would one of us use withholding sex or love or use the silent treatment as a tool to try to manipulate the other?

How would we cope if something happened to create a big difference in our sexual appetites?

Would she limit the number and timing of children for my sake or might she try to get her own way by “forgetting” to take contraception?

How do we handle arguments? How willing to apologize are each of us? When we get angry at each other do either of us play dirty by saying needlessly hurtful things?

If you answer “yes” to any of the following five, it indicates a serious problem. When we have a disagreement:

* the same person always gives in

* one of us never says “I’m sorry”

* one of us feels like hitting back, either physically or by saying hurtful things

* one of us keeps bringing up past hurts in the relationship

* we never have a disagreement

Using a scale of zero to ten, where zero means absolutely none and ten is the highest possible rating, rate the following:

* How much can I trust her with money and with my heart?

* How much can I trust her to keep my deepest, most embarrassing secrets?

* How important to me is absolute transparent honesty in our relationship?

Honestly, if I could change things about her, what would they be?

How would I react if she ended up seriously overweight and/or developed agoraphobia such that she never wanted to leave the house?

Is delighting God her top priority and will delighting me remain her second top priority when children, career and so on become very demanding?

Would she eagerly sacrifice everything for my happiness, including friends, people’s approval and children for my sake?

Is she truly committed to sticking with a marriage no matter how tough things get?

If I were struck with long term illness and were no longer able to work, would she still be proud of me and happy with me?

By marrying her, am I truly choosing what will most delight and glorify God or am I settling for less than God’s best?

How Well Do You Know Each Other?

Ideally, you should each write your own responses and then get together and discuss in detail your answers.

Of my habits, which are the ones I think she could eventually find the most annoying?

Which of her habits do I think I could end up finding the most annoying?

In order of importance to me, what things can she do during marriage that will make me feel most loved?

How do I think she would answer the above about what would make her feel most loved?

If I had the choice, would I choose a much higher paying job that gave me fifteen hours a week less with my wife? How many extra hours would be too much regardless of money? How do I think she would think about that?

How much a year do I think she would spend on clothes, shoes, fashion accessories, cosmetics, beauty treatments and so on?

What sexual things would I like to try in marriage? (List them and rate from zero to ten how much you would like to try each of them.) What sexual things would I not want to try. (Again both list and rate them from zero to ten, with ten being the maximum conceivable abhorrence. )

Rate on a scale of one to ten the importance to you of the following:

* a tidy house

* a small mortgage

* less than $1,000 credit card debt

* a house at least equal to that of most of our friends

* a car and other possessions at least equal to that of most of our friends

* tithing when suffering severe financial problems

* her loving God more than me

* her working hard

* me working hard

With each scored from zero to ten, here’s my list of things she has done that has made me feel the most loved and fulfilled . . .

Here’s how I think she would rate the things I have done for her . . .

Much More

This webpage, last updated October 4, 2013, is far from complete. I might add to it later. Nevertheless, these questions merely skim the surface of a deep and vital subject. This makes it most important that you read Never Too Early to Prepare for Marriage.

If you have already thoroughly read Never Too Early to Prepare for Marriage and all the links, you still should keep working on getting to know each other better and better. A webpage worth reading in this regard is Premarriage Questions List.

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Not to be sold. © Copyright, Grantley Morris, 2013. For much more by the same author, see www.net-burst.com   No part of these writings may be copied without citing this entire paragraph.