Submission?

My husband was brought up on a farm. That pretty much sums up his sex education.

It is a real blessing to read Understanding Your Wife’s View Of Sex and know that at least one man really understands his wife’s view of sex, and is willing to accommodate it. Yet I believe you have done the right thing in reminding wives of their equally solemn obligations to their husbands.

I’m now a widow, after 38 years of marriage. My husband showed nothing like the kindness and consideration of the writer of that webpage. In fact, here’s how I initially reacted to parts of the webpage.

gone all the time but just showing up for sex

For a few months my husband was working away from home, and would only get home at the weekend. I don’t remember him ever asking me what kind of a week I had had, struggling with four little kids on my own. There was usually only one thing on his mind – the bedroom.

“Is there anything I can do to reduce your stress level?” I asked her.

On reading this I laughed sarcastically at the thought of my husband ever being considerate enough to let me off having sex because I was exhausted or unwell. Dream on! He seemed to specialize in demanding sex in the most inconvenient of times and places, with total disregard to my feelings.

She found herself trying to stay up as late as possible, so that I would be so exhausted as to fall straight to sleep.

Been there, done that!

My wife had been “sleeping with the enemy” and the “enemy” was me!

I can certainly relate to that!

“Or what if my wife develops breast cancer and requires a mastectomy?”

I never had to face that, but if ever I was lying in bed sick – I was in the right position, wasn’t I – it would be a shame to bypass such an opportunity!

Considering that was what my marriage was like, week after week for 38 years, why did I choose “the wives should obey their husbands” scenario – especially since, as so many abused women have found to their sorrow, many male church leaders seem incapable of understanding the distress abused wives experience on a day-to-day basis? Even in our politically correct climate, while ministers are very quick to point out the wives’ responsibilities to their husbands, the converse is seldom heard. Yet Scripture is quite strong on this point!

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These days we often hear the expression “friendly fire.” Some church leaders are very good at doing this to wives in their congregations who are struggling in an abusive marriage. I remember one elder saying to me: “Your husband seems a very easy person to get on with.” I snapped back: “As long as he’s getting his own way!”

Although I didn’t suffer in my marriage nearly as much as some wives, I quite understand why some women have become disillusioned with their church and – mistakenly – with their God. Often these hurting women are treated as being wholly responsible for the disharmony in the marriage. My heart goes out to them!

One experience where I sought help from a minister, was particularly hurtful. With great difficulty I shared with this man what was distressing me the most; that my husband had insisted on what I consider to be degrading, perverted acts, despite me pleading that he not do it. Although I was facing this minister across his desk, his reaction caused me to feel that his office had suddenly lengthened, and that this man and I were at opposite ends of a 20 foot room.

On hearing my muffled words, the minister had immediately swung around in his swivel chair so he didn’t have to look at me. I felt totally rejected.

He proceeded to say in a cold voice, “Naturally, I only have your side of the story. Would your husband be willing to talk to me?” I gave this minister our home phone number and he rang my husband. My husband’s reply (related to me by the minister) was, “I don’t have time to talk to you!”

Any hope I may have had dissolved. This incident so hurt and humiliated me that I was unwilling to share it with any of my friends. Had I done so, I am sure some of them would have been even more adamant about my right to leave my husband and seek my own happiness. So why didn’t I?

I do not consider myself infallible. In explaining why I stayed in the marriage, I can only speak for myself. If anyone devoted to Christ, after seeking to die to self and to receive God’s understanding of his Word, were to disagree with my view, I have no right to consider myself more able to hear from God than her.

There is one basic reason why I stayed: I had promised God to obey my husband.

Ecclesiastes 4-6a When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest . . . “My vow was a mistake.”

Not only had I promised to obey my husband, I had also promised to stay married to him. And it was only because I had a personal relationship with God, that I was able to endure the ongoing mental and emotional cruelty my husband kept dumping on me.

I must point out, however, that my husband was faithful. I was also blessed in that he was not violent. He seemed so driven by the S word that even if he had raised his hand against me he would most likely have got sidetracked – again!

Nevertheless, friends of mine felt that I would have been justified in leaving him; that I shouldn’t have sentenced myself to penal servitude for all those years. But if life was about us making sure we get fairly treated, there is no way Christ would have come to earth and let himself be unfairly treated. And Scripture repeatedly urges us to follow Christ’s example that we might share in his reward.

My children had no problems with my husband. Did I have the right to deprive them of the constant presence of a good father and provider just for the sake of my own personal happiness? And what right did I have to deprive my husband of his children?

And I couldn’t evade this Scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

So how could I in all conscience deny my husband access to my body? Yes, he had Scriptural obligations to me that I felt he ignored. He wasn’t even a Christian. (Yes, I had foolishly disobeyed God by marrying a non-Christian.) But since when does someone acting like a non-Christian give me the right to act like a non-Christian?

Of course, I didn’t always like what the Bible said, but that didn’t change what it said. I was particularly challenged by the book of Hosea.

God was determined to help the Israelites understand how much he loved them in spite of their constant rebellion against him. So he told Hosea, one of his prophets, to actually marry an adulterous woman, (who had possibly been a cultic prostitute in the service of Baal). Her ongoing unfaithfulness to her husband Hosea, became a living parable of Israel’s unfaithfulness to God; and God’s willingness to forgive them and be reconciled to them. Speaking of Israel, the Lord said:

Hosea 2:14, 19-20 Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.  . . . I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.

But Hosea must have had a much better disposition than I did! Over the long years of my marriage I grew very bitter toward my husband; and although I obeyed him by yielding to his sexual demands, it was usually with gritted teeth, and with a snarling resentment burning inside of me.

So I was appalled when God made it clear to me that not only did my actions toward my husband have to be right, my attitude also had to be right. And he gave me this Scripture:

1 Peter 3:1-4 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty  . . . should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

I was an absolute stranger to “a gentle and quiet spirit”.

But then, at some stage, I noticed the phrase “in the same way” near the beginning of that passage.

In the same way as what? I checked the context:

1 Peter 2:21-23 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

So I decided I needed to rely on God’s grace to develop in me a Christlike, “gentle and quiet spirit” and trust the One “who judges justly” to take care of consequences.

Wives have an awesome privilege – and an awesome responsibility. By being cooperative whenever her husband asks for sex, a wife is lessening the possibility that he will be tempted by women outside the home. Though no defense is foolproof, wives are God’s first line of defense in morally protecting their husbands.

Proverbs 31:11 says of a wife of noble character, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.”

Actually, the KJV renders it, “he shall have no need of spoil.” (That is not the weird rendering that it may seem at first reading. It is a reference to the spoils of war and is so translated by the NIV in every other instance, with the exception of one expression that it chooses to paraphrase, rather than give a literal rendering. More) I have always taken this to mean that because I was always available, my husband never needed to go making conquests elsewhere.

I am more grateful to God than I can express, that he enabled me to be obedient to him, and thus keep my husband contented and keep my marriage intact. My own parents were divorced and so I do know first hand how distressing divorce is for the children.

Although it worked for me, I do not doubt that certain men will stray no matter how accommodating their wives are. Had I the misfortunate to have had such a husband, I would have been heartbroken, but at least I would have had the satisfaction of knowing I had done my utmost to prevent it.

E-mail the author: ruthdoormat@net-burst.com

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Not to be sold. © Copyright 2006, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged; if used in a webpage, the new page is significantly different to this one. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.com  Freely you have received, freely give.
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