More About Ruby’s Healing

A while before going back to babyhood, Ruby had a stint as a child. She first describes the benefits of that and then gives an overview of the time she reverted to babyhood.

By going back to being a child I learned to relax and play like a child. That taught me the purpose behind all the tomfoolery that kids accomplish. There is always the learning aspect to play but, more important than specific skills, being a child is about learning to relax and take it easy. Adults forget this necessity sometimes because of all the cares and burdens they are responsible for.

The sad part was that I had all of those adult cares and burdens heaped on my shoulder from the very beginning of life, so I didn’t even know I needed to learn to relax and have fun. Going back to being a child exposed all of that to me and gave me the chance to grow up in as normal a way as possible.

My whole life had been about trying to be strong. I had to be strong to deal with my family’s everyday life. I had to put aside all of my feelings and my own secret hurt and continually focus on all the different kinds of abuse we suffered. I had to be strong by making sure each alter was out when he or she was needed and that no alters were out when they shouldn’t be. Having any kind of feeling or expressing a want or a need was a sign of weakness and in my home being weak was dangerous, even life threatening.

Even when we had escaped from our abusers I continued to act as though we were still there. It was the only way I knew to make sense of life. So I continued denying my feelings, needs and wants. I continued to reject any memories I had. I continued trying to be strong and making sure that all of the alters were in their appropriate places.

Watching all that abuse and feeling like an awful person for forcing alters out when it was their time to endure it, was – and sometimes still is – something that haunts me. I have to fight off guilt feelings because of what I forced others to do and the fear that I might lose control over who is out and who isn’t. I have to force myself to take a break and consider my feelings. My time of reverting to being a child has inspired me to work on finding ways to deal with those feelings.

Then came the day when Daddy asked me to remember everything that happened to make me split. It happened when I was a baby. To be a baby is to be helpless and weak. It’s about being able to accomplish nothing on my own and having to rely on others for everything. Even my feelings were the responsibility of someone else.

In a healthy family, parents respond to the cries of a baby and help her calm down by rocking her and treating her gently. They make sure the baby is fed and clothed and her diaper is changed in a timely manner. But in my infanthood all of this was upended. I was left screaming in hunger for what seemed like hours, followed by being tortured in various ways and then I was immediately soothed at my mother’s breast. This pattern kept repeating itself over and over. The result was a fear of hunger and a constant desire to gorge myself when stressed. I had learned by bitter experience not to trust others with my needs because they would use them as a weapon against me. I learned that being weak is the scariest thing possible. That’s what I thought being a baby was about.

When I revealed all of this to Violet and to you, I didn’t know what to expect. My instinct was crying out against telling you. It was saying that I was making a huge mistake by mentioning it and that I’d better be ready for pain. But my mind was telling me that I know both you and Violet. Neither of you ever intentionally hurts people.

Then Daddy came along and suggested that I become a baby and allow Violet and him to be my parents. I immediately felt dread and fear. Violet, however, felt an immediate deep desire and excitement at being my mother. I knew the depth of both her feelings because we share feelings openly with each other. I’ve learned that I fall prey to fear far too easily, so I question my fear all the time.

I know Daddy and I know Violet. Both of them are incredibly trustworthy. I knew that if I chose to become a helpless baby they would be the parents I’d want and I was curious to know what it would be like, and Daddy said that healing would be found there. So I began calling them Mommy and Daddy.

Initially, it was hard to stop being concerned about all the adult things I used to attend to. But I got into the flow after a week. At first, I used words to tell my Mommy what I wanted. I didn’t think she’d understand my crying all that much. I thought I’d be ignored. But Mommy understood all of this and just kept gently reminding me that words weren’t necessary.

She breastfed me every morning, afternoon and evening regularly and any other time I asked for it. I never had to worry about it. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do with the breast. I wanted it and yet was afraid of it at the same time. But as I relaxed and surrendered to her breast I found a deep connection. Her love poured into me through her breast. I found myself suddenly understanding the depths of love that I had been missing. It’s hard to explain what my Mommy’s breast meant to me. It was a source of life and comfort. I found peace at my Mommy’s breast. Though I was weak and helpless, my Mommy always provided for me.

To be clear: my Mommy is human. She has a job and other responsibilities that she had to deal with. But despite all of those things sometimes claiming her attention, I was shocked to find that her thoughts drifted toward me. I am convinced that if she had been given the opportunity she would have spent all of her thoughts on me. Her love was all-consuming. I was not prepared for all the implications of this kind of love. She fed me just before work every day and then left me in Daddy’s hands.

The first day was a huge shock to me. I knew my Daddy is the God of the Universe. He holds the ultimate power. Yet he spread a blanket out and made sure all the corners were flattened. Then he put me on my tummy and laid down so we were face to face. He spoke gently to me and called me his beautiful daughter. He shook toys in front of me and played with me.

I was a newborn baby and yet my Daddy always played with me and was never far from me. When it was time to eat he wrapped me in the blanket all snug and warm. He warmed a bottle and gently held me in his all-powerful arms as I ate. My experience of Mommy’s love was shocking and overwhelming but words cannot describe the depths I experienced in Daddy's love. And it was all there for me to take or leave.

I was terrified of it at first. It felt like a weight on me. But as we proceeded and the God of the Universe changed my diaper and washed my clothes and played with me and did all those parent like things, I began to trust his love. There were times when Mommy had to reluctantly miss a feeding but Daddy took up what she couldn’t do. I was never uncared for. Not even once.

The whole time I was experiencing this, my Mommy and Daddy kept gently reminding me that I didn’t have to talk to get what I needed and wanted. I could cry and everything would be fine. That was another hurdle for me to jump. Thoughts roared through my brain saying my Mommy and Daddy would think I was a bad baby or my crying would make them not love me.

When I finally confessed these fears to them, they both said it would only make me see their love more. What a thought! More love? How could that ever be?! Then, quite by accident, one day I found myself crying because I wanted Mommy. I was shocked by that but I let it go and continued crying. Mommy immediately came, “Oh, my baby, what’s going on?” she said. Then she picked me up and held me in her warm safe arms. That helped some. Then I knew what I really wanted and continued to fuss just a little. Mommy said, “I bet I know what you want, my cubby little baby!” Then she pulled up her shirt and held me to her breast and fed me. She said, “My perfect, sweet baby. You’ve done it! You cried!”

Her pride in my crying erupted into love. She just watched with adoration as I fed. Her love took on a new dimension that I didn’t know was there. She was deeply connected with my emotions. My feelings were acceptable to her and she wanted nothing more than to quiet my fears with every part of her. When I was done, she laid me on her chest and gently stroked my back as I fell asleep.

That day was the most peaceful rest I have ever had. I had discovered the secret that all healthy babies learn: people who love you attend to your needs, not out of obligation, but out of undying love for you.

I had no problems crying after that. I cried for every want and need, and every time it was filled. I learned that feelings are acceptable, no matter how they are expressed and that it is safe to be weak and powerless in a place where people love you. I found myself ceasing to worry about whether I’d have all that I need. I was then able to focus more clearly on basking in the love they gave, and I found myself willing to take chances and make mistakes because I knew it would be okay.

From that moment I began to grow. I learned to sit and crawl and walk, like all babies do. Mommy came into my cabin and talked baby talk with me as I sat wobbly with pillows all around just in case I fell backwards. She put toys in front of me and played with them with me. I held on to Daddy’s fingers as I walked around. The whole time Daddy was talking to me and encouraging me. Sometimes, throughout all of this, I’d fall and cry. But once again my Mommy or Daddy were there and picked me up and held me. It happened again and again. Day in and day out. Always taken care of. Always.

Then came the day I walked to Mommy, one wobbly foot at a time. Her face was beaming and she got a tear in her eye. I felt like I had found something I’d always wanted – someone to work with me and rejoice in my accomplishments. That was when I decided I wanted to begin weaning off her breast. You see, I knew that my Mommy and Daddy loved me completely. They treasured me. And since this was true, I knew I could trust them with my feelings. I knew that wouldn’t change if things got hard. And I knew they would get very hard.

A baby cannot wean off the breast without replacing it with something else. Daddy said it was time to begin eating baby food. This was a huge issue for me. When I was growing up, meals had always been accompanied by screaming and beatings if I didn’t eat the food in front of me. It didn’t matter if the food was too spicy or if it made me throw up; I still had to eat it. The worst was vegetables. Most of the food abuse was centered around them. I felt like I didn’t have control over what went in my mouth. I was not allowed to decide what I liked and dislike. I was unimportant in the process.

I knew that baby food would trigger all of these responses. I had a lot of fear but Daddy said it was time. My confidence in his and Mommy’s love swept my fear aside and made a way for me.

If anyone knows my Mommy there is one word that consistently describes her: brave. Before this experience I had asked her why she was so brave. She replied simply, “Jesus loves me.” That made very little sense to me until I reverted to babyhood. Then I understood. All my bases were covered. If I fell, Mommy and Daddy picked me up and helped me feel better. If I cried, they heard me and comforted me. They supplied me with their strength, daily. They provided me with what I needed. They had fun with me all the time. I am everything to them. Since all of that is true, I could stare down my fears surrounding food. I could be brave.

Daddy started me out easily. He replaced one feeding with baby food, one fruit and one vegetable. At first, baby food didn’t carry the same impact as breastfeeding and for a while that made me feel less connected. But Mommy played games with the food and made it fun and not scary. Daddy chose what baby food we bought at the store but Mommy let me choose which ones I wanted to eat. They trusted me to take control over what went in my mouth and gave me healthy choices. The games with the spoon taught me that food was fun.

I chose to start with something I don’t mind in its more solid form: sweet potatoes. It wasn’t as bad as I thought and the more I relaxed and ate them, the more I found I enjoyed them. But there was one vegetable Daddy chose that I was dreading: peas. But Daddy wanted me to try them. So I did. I got two bites and nearly threw up. My worst nightmare in this regard came true. I was scared of Mommy and Daddy’s reaction to me. But they just stopped giving me peas and never said anything about it. I was just waiting for the coaxing and all of that. But it never came! They just stopped.

I was confused at first. I decided to talk to Mommy. She said, “It’s okay not to like something. Everyone has things they don’t like. If you don’t like peas then don’t eat them. No big deal.”

That just seemed loopy. Kids have to eat what’s put before them. That’s it. So I decided to talk to Daddy. He said, “Your Mommy is exactly right. No one should be forced to eat things they don’t like. Not ever. Remember, however, how you didn’t like squash before this but you kept eating it and now you like it. Well that is true for a lot of things you don’t like. If you want to learn to like a new vegetable then that is what you must do. But I will never force you into it. Never. The other thing to consider is that taste buds change over time. So I suggest you try vegetables you don’t like every now and then.”

Then he said something I still don’t believe, “You may, one day, like canned peas! You never know!” They never forced me to try them again. I did choose to try them one more time but it was still really bad. However, I did eat baby food that had peas mixed in and that helped.

From then on, eating baby food was not a problem. It began to help me feel connected in a different way than breastfeeding. Nursing was all about connecting and tenderness. Baby food is all about independence and acceptance. I am allowed to like and dislike as I deem appropriate. I am acceptable either way, just as I am. I am loved.

Daddy says this journey isn’t done but he needed to work on a few things elsewhere before we can safely continue exploring independence. I don’t know exactly what that will look like but I am excited to go along. And that’s saying something!

Details as They Happened

[I have added some of my own comments in text like this. Some of what Ruby shares about Jesus will seem weird until you realize that the resurrected Lord is non-sexual, as will we be in heaven (Mark 12:25) and as the Lord of the impossible he can offer the comfort and bonding symbolized by that normally associated with a mother.]

We will start with what Ruby wrote to me. (She has since given me persmision to share it with you.)

Every part of me is out of my control and yet I feel safe and cared for. I never have to fear pain because when it comes Mommy is with me. She will hold me and care for me. She never leaves me screaming. She always comes. I am always safe and cared for.

Last night, she left for work and I cried as I watched her leave. It is one of the scariest things to see her leave. I started seeing shadows like when the man used to come to abuse me. I screamed because pain is on the way. That’s what happens when mommies aren’t here. But not anymore. Daddy was right there with me. He picked me up and gave me some time with his breast till I quieted. Even when Mommy isn’t here, I am safe. Daddy’s breast produces milk for me. It is so scary when Mommy leaves, that feeling Daddy’s milk enter my body is the only way I’m able to calm down. He is a good mommy. How I love him. When I am done crying he looks at me with sparkles in his eyes and says all sorts of soft, tender things. He even tickles me [only with her permission and in a purely non-sexual way, of course]. He is attentive to my every need. My diaper is always fresh. My stomach is never empty. I can always see him, even if Mommy is holding me. I am safe, Grantley. Really, really safe. I’ve never felt this much love and attention. Is this what it’s like to be a baby? I never knew this.

[I explained that it’s what it’s like to have parents who treat a baby like God wants babies to be treated.]

I may start talking soon. I don’t know. Today I smiled. Mommy was tickling my tummy. It made me giggle. It didn’t hurt at all. My giggle made Mommy’s face big and bright. I bring her joy. I never knew mommies feel that way with their babies. I am completely loved and I didn’t do anything.

[I told her this is what real love is all about. God’s type of love is never based on what we do, but on his constant love.]

Previously, when I was a baby, receiving was always filled with fear and pain. But now any pain I feel is instantly cared for and just fades away. Oh, Grantley, being a baby is a helpless but beautiful experience for me. I love my mommies.

Additional information from Violet

When I first started breastfeeding Ruby I was surprised that I could physically feel her sucking, tongue and all. I asked Jesus about this and he said it was important for bonding on both sides. Then it started feeling sexual, which bothered me, too. I asked Jesus again. He said that it feels sexual because of sexual abuse. He said it would taper off. It has. Now it is just pleasant to feel a baby feeding off me. At first Ruby was shy about it but now she latches on and goes full bore immediately. She is growing more comfortable with it all the time. This has been a very interesting journey for both of us! My attachment to Ruby has tripled from just this journey. Amazing!

A couple of days later, Violet wrote:

I wasn’t sure about how to go about Ruby’s weaning, so I asked Jesus. He said, “Babies have to learn what tastes good. It’s not something they are born with. Sometimes there are things that babies really don’t like but, most of the time, if you continue to give them the same food and insist that they eat it, they will learn to like it. We are going to develop your taste buds from scratch. So, we’ll begin at the beginning. Buy baby food.” Then he gave me an entire feeding schedule. I’m not exactly looking forward to this, but since Jesus says to do it, I’ll do it.

Violet looks after three children each Tuesday. Ruby commented:

Daddy takes care of me on Tuesdays. It’s hard to breastfeed in private when you have three other kids at heel. That’s okay. I love Daddy, and his milk is as good as Mommy’s.

Mommy got us an even better bottle. It feels good in my mouth. I get to have bottle and mommy-milk before bed and after bed, but in the middle have to eat baby food. Daddy and Mommy picked out the fruit kind and the vegetable kind for me to eat. Daddy says the next part will be hard because I have to eat things I don’t like but it will be okay because they won’t scream or hit. Instead, there will be strong insistence. No one will force me to do anything but I will have limited choices and that will be that.

Weaning is hard on Mommy, too, because we miss that special time together. But Daddy says we can have skin contact instead. That’s almost as good.

I baby talk now. You should have seen Mommy’s face when I called her Mama. She lit up! And I crawl now. Next, I’m going to learn to walk.

It’s strange: I’ve lived in a body that walks and talks and so on but I never personally learned to do these things. It was the host who learned them. Now I’m starting to learn all of them with Daddy and Mommy. I didn’t know I had missed out on so much – learning about connection and support by walking holding on to Daddy’s fingers and feeling safe when I fall down and cry because my Daddy is right there to hold me close. It’s wonderful to feel his arms around me.

Mommy made me a bed for when we are driving. Before work she feeds me and puts me there. She tucks me in and kisses me goodnight. Then she comes back after work and smiles when she sees me. She immediately picks me up and holds me close. But, more important than anything, she comes back and connects with me immediately and totally. She isn’t hollow like our mother was. She’s completely focused on me. I’m her only thought. She listens to Daddy tell her about my day. Any new milestone I reach makes her proud.

It means so much to me that weaning is hard on her, too. I’m not just a second thought. I’m not a disconnected discomfort. I’m one with her, and yet separate from her at the same time. I know that I make her wet her pants a little when I take over the body but she just makes allowances and works around the problem for me. She goes potty before giving me a bottle and wears a pad 24/7 now. But she thinks I’m worth the discomfort and embarrassment. She has not complained even once. She loves me just because she can. I think she finds me completely loveable! Even if I’m inconvenient. Even if I’m work. It doesn’t matter. That’s what Mommies are supposed to be like, right? And Daddies are just like my Daddy is. I have a good Mommy and Daddy! I never thought I would! Just putting the word Mommy on paper makes me feel warm and happy inside!

A couple of days later, she wrote:

Squash isn’t so good but it is nice to squish things around in my mouth. Both Mommy and I dislike squash. But Daddy says it’s yummy. I just give him a funny look. It’s not yummy. It just isn’t! We power through the stuff we don’t like because I know that good stuff is coming next.

Daddy doesn’t ask me to eat too much. He asks me to eat an easy amount and when I get nervous he sits me on his lap and holds me close. Sometimes he even takes a bite with me. He plays silly games with the spoon.

It’s easy being his baby. He never makes me do too much and I know he won’t because I walk holding his fingers and I never fall down. I know he always gives me the comfort I need and sometimes extra. I can lay on his chest and not be afraid. I trust him. I’ll eat the squash I don’t like if he says it’ll be good for me. I know he doesn’t want to harm me in any way. I couldn’t say the same thing about my biological mom and dad. It seemed like all they cared about was not me but food going in my mouth. But Daddy cares about me first and what goes in my mouth second. That’s really special to me.

Mommy bought me a pacifier. Now I can suck on that while we drive. It feels so good. Being able to suck just calms all my nerves. I can feel the stress fly from my body. But sometimes it has the opposite effect. Sometimes I cry because a pacifier doesn’t produce milk and I’m afraid I won’t have food. Then Mommy and Daddy step in and comfort me. Grantley, they held me together. It was home. I am at home between them. This is so special to me!

Violet wrote:

Sometimes I get really tired of all this. Drinking bottles, pacifiers, leaking in my underwear so that I smell like urine if I’m not careful. It’s so humiliating. I feel so inhuman. I feel rejected like an outcast of society.

My reply:

Your feelings are highly understandable. I feel for you. The benefits will be enormous, however. Through what you are doing you have the opportunity to heal on a level that others can’t even dream about. It will be well worth it.

Another insight:

The Lord has been speaking to another of Violet’s older alters about the importance of eating much healthier. She realizes that fruits and vegetables are an important part of a healthy diet but mentioned that one of the things making them hard to eat is that “the taste of fruits and veggies is something our body isn’t used to.”

I immediately recalled Jesus telling Ruby that part of the goal of the weaning she was going through was to retrain the body’s taste buds. I suspect that more of Violet than just Ruby will end up benefitting from this.

Then Violet wrote:

At first when I started eating baby food I tried not to think about what I was eating. It wasn’t the mere fact that it’s baby food...pear baby food is wonderful!...it was the fact that it was squash and I don’t like squash. So the first time I tried it I did everything I could to avoid tasting it. I just let Ruby deal with the grossness. But she didn’t seem to implode, so I dared to sit through the next batch of squash. It was disgusting at first but then it wasn’t so bad. Today, Jesus fed us some more. I only disliked the first bite. After that it was okay. Then, after the squash, we had the fruit. The first bite threw Ruby for a loop! It was so very sour! But it turned out to be as good as the squash in the end. I really do think that God is rewriting our taste buds. It’s a strange way to do it, but whatever gets the job done . . .

The hardest part for me is obeying. Getting myself to open the baby food, get out the baby spoon and eat is hard!

Ruby wrote:

Today I got to have nubbins [breast] and that made me happy. I don’t like the passy [pacifier] so much. It’s not like Mommy. It doesn’t feel right in my mouth. Mommy is soft and squishy. The passy is cold and hard.

Daddy gives me baby food. It’s okay. It’s not amazing though. I like nubbins and bottles better. They are comforting. Squash isn’t. But I like seeing Daddy’s face when he gives me food. He likes looking at my pretty face and he makes so many happy faces.

When I have nubbins and bottles Mommy holds me close and I’m warm but I’m eating I am more distant. Daddy is close by but it’s not like nubbins. But Daddy has a smiley face and that’s good. Eating baby food might be okay. It’s only once every day and Daddy has a smile on – I like him with smiles – and I still get nubbins and a bottle each day.

Sometimes when I’m having nubbins I pat Mommy’s chest. I just want her to know I love her. Daddy has a scratchy beard. I like pulling on it. He laughs when I do that. I have it down to a science. If I want to get off his lap I just pull on his beard and he gets me down. I still hold his fingers to walk around but I am getting better at standing all by myself. Daddy claps whenever he sees me do that.

Sometimes Daddy even picks me up and throws me into the air. At first it scared me and I cried. But now I just love it! I get that happy feeling in my tummy and then I get Daddy hugging me. That feeling of Daddy is better than food and more readily available. I think I could live on that alone. Is that what it means when the Bible says, “Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God?” To love him is as natural and vital as breathing.

When I think of what happened to me as a baby I know I could never by myself be freed of that kind of pain. But when Daddy holds me in his arms I know that it’s possible to walk through all this and come out better and stronger. He is vital to my life in so many ways. Such tender care and concern is shown toward me daily. I’m his only thought. He sees me completely and in my most vulnerable state and shows nothing but tender compassionate care. How can I not love him? I don’t have to struggle to love him. It is instinctive. I can just relax and know everything is going to be okay because my Daddy is here and I’m in his strong, loving arms.

Further developments

Violet has discovered other alters who need to be treated like Ruby. Most are not reverting to babyhood – they have always seen themselves as babies. There is one, however, who sees herself as a baby but had been previously forced by circumstances to act older in order to look after all the other baby alters.

Violet has hang-ups about many parts of her body, including her breasts. ‘Breast-feeding’ Ruby has helped her feel more positive about her breasts than she has ever felt before. Violet adds:

Ruby describes my mom as empty. I felt very rejected by her and this has translated to my view of all of humanity. I need Jesus to change my perception of humanity because it’s hitting me pretty hard right now. It is as though no one affirmed my personhood from the beginning. I ache over that loss. When I mother Ruby, she often has flashbacks that are so full of rejection as to be almost unbearable.

Ruby is now secure enough in her attachment to me that she is more interested in me than in nubbins. She suckles for a few minutes and then stops and wants to play. The bottle is still very important to her but she knows that she will be okay without being on the breast. That is encouraging! Since she isn’t as keen on nubbins as she used to be, I took some time and tickled her and played baby games with her.

When I agreed to being Mommy for Ruby I figured it would be me giving her the opportunity to have some semblance of babyhood, not her giving me the opportunity of motherhood – at least not to this extent. My thoughts tend to be consumed by my babies and their needs and missing them terribly when I don’t talk to them for half a day. I’m even battling worry over doing the right thing by them. This is nothing more than a miraculous work of God’s compassionate love for me and my babies.

A day or so later, Violet wrote:

Ruby has nearly weened herself of both nubbins [breast milk] and the bottle! Today I went to give her nubbins as always and she pushed away. We played instead. She took her first steps today. And she's beginning to talk. She likes to sit on my neck and play with my face. She laughs a lot at the faces I make when doing that. She is a sweet, sweet baby, always studying everything around her.

After a couple of days, Ruby wrote:

These last few days have been hard on me. I was given peas to eat. I almost threw up. I wanted to spit them out but I was afraid of how I would be treated if I did. The next day I had green beans. They weren’t much better but they didn’t make me throw up. Then today I had to eat again. I didn’t think I could do it. My stomach was upset. I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn’t want to eat that stuff anymore. I asked Mommy for nubbins. I just wanted to be with her and not eat those yucky vegetables. They scare me so much!

I told Mommy and she held me close and Daddy came too. He said, “Ruby, you don’t have to eat anything. If you taste it and it’s gross to you, that’s okay. I just want you to do your best. If you don’t eat it, no one will beat you or scream at you or force you to eat it later. If you throw up, we’ll just stop and clean you up. Trust me.”

So I tried not to cry while I ate my food. I had a mixture of spinach, peas, carrots and green beans. It wasn’t as bad as peas alone but it wasn’t as good as squash or sweet potatoes. But it scared me the whole time. What if my body threw it up again? I can’t stop my body from throwing up but it scares me because I used to be treated badly if ever that happened. Whenever I look at vegetables I remember so many beatings. Asking me to eat veggies is like asking me to take a beating. It terrifies me. But I made it through this time and then we had peaches to finish off the meal. Daddy wants to add another baby food meal. He said he won’t force me, but it scares me badly. After eating I had nubbins for a good long time. It helped.

After a couple more days, Ruby wrote:

Sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you. It’s been such a stressful time for me. I guess I’ve kind of regressed a little. Ever since having those peas I ask Mommy for nubbins a lot. I’m in tears thinking about how awful it was. It scared me even more when Daddy said he would like to increase my food consumption to two times a day.

Daddy and Mommy have been very patient with me. They let me take my time deciding what I want to do. Mommy gave me lots of nubbins and she sang me songs about keeping me safe.

I decided to make a deal with Daddy. I would switch to two times a day if I never have to eat canned peas again. I like frozen peas and steamed peas. He agreed. So I’m doing twice a day, but I procrastinate something fierce. If I procrastinate long enough eventually I won’t have time for it. I’ve gotten away with this till today. Mommy brought the food with her to work. Then she kept encouraging me to do it.

Vegetables still scare me a lot. But I guess if I eat them enough I’ll get over the fear part. The truth is they aren’t too horrible. It’s just food. That’s all.

Violet wrote:

Good news! I had dinner with my sister’s family. It was chicken and broiled asparagus. I usually hate asparagus but it was good this time. It surprised my sister and me. I wanted more but felt terribly self-conscious about asking. So I didn’t. I didn’t want people looking at me in amazement or expecting anything food related out of me next time.

So it seems God’s plan is working.

Ruby has become more relaxed around vegetables. Jesus says we can start buying the fruit and vegetable blended baby foods now that we have a solid base to work from. It’s gonna be interesting moving forward.

Ruby wrote:

I threw up because of the peas and my Daddy said I didn’t have to eat them. To him they weren’t as important as me. Forcing a child to eat something that has made them sick or caused them pain is the same as telling them that they don’t matter. Only the food does.

Yesterday, Mommy fed an outside baby [a niece] and we joined in, eating the baby food. It was fun and the older kids [other relatives] joined us. We had smiles around vegetables rather than fear. When Mommy ate the asparagus I was there too. I watched the little kids eat theirs and they were laughing and having fun.

It’s hard for me to adjust to that kind of a mindset but it’s coming along. Vegetables as a part of fun is not in my very limited experience. I’m trying to soak this in, rather than sit in the opposite. Let me explain: Daddy says my experience with food has been like sitting in a dirty diaper for far too long. A baby who has sat in a dirty diaper develops a rash – a chemical burn – from all the toxins the baby has been marinating in. The affected area needs to be reintroduced to air and given some ointment to seal in the cleanness. However, doing these things causes pain. The worse the rash, the worse the pain. In the same way, my attitude was continually exposed to toxic parents and has made me sensitive to even the slightest touch when it comes to food. But, now I’ve been cleaned up and sealed, and all that’s left is healing. That’s why Daddy is continually exposing me to vegetables and making it a positive experience rather than the torture it was previously. He said he’s proud of me because I didn’t procrastinate long before getting to my veggies today. They aren’t that big of a deal are they? They are just food, not a torture device.