Grantley Morris
Founder, net-burst.com

So . . . what does become of the broken-hearted?

Well, if you believe the soaps and Hollywood it will take you about five screen minutes (if that) to get over your ex before you’re plunging (miraculously unscathed) straight back into the dating game where the next person you meet will be ‘the One’ you’re destined to be with for the rest of your life. And just how realistic is that?

Well . . . maybe the next person you date will be your future husband or wife but, if you’ve just had your heart broken, it will take more than five minutes to get over it. You’ve got to allow yourself time to grieve and to heal so you are relatively unscathed by the time you commence preparation for your next relationship.

No doubt, your experiences will be different from mine but I pray that, in some small way, this webpage will bring you comfort and a ray of hope for your future.

So, friend, pull up a chair. Kick off your shoes. Get yourself comfortable. Grab some tissues if you need them – maybe candy, a hot drink and some chocolate chip cookies, too (yum!) – and sit yourself back. I’m here to tell you it’s not the end of the world (even though it seems like it is) and I promise that you can get through this.

Between you, me, and God we’ll work out where you’re going from here, okay?

My friend, I’ve been in your situation and a break-up can suck. Believe me; I know how devastating it can be. You wonder why this happened. What did you do wrong? Are you really that unlovable? And – the big ones – why did God put you through this? Why didn’t he stop the pain?!

But we’ll get to these soon enough. For now I want you to calm yourself and breathe. Just breathe.

Would you mind if I say a prayer?

Heavenly Father, I pray for my hurting friends right now. Thank You for them and for bringing them here. Let them know You care about every aspect of their lives; their past, their present and their hope-filled future. Comfort them and surround them with Your love. Be with them now and heal their pain.

I pray all these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

So. Where do you start? How can you get through this? You’ve shared so much with another person - your love, your time, your money, your hopes and dreams - but now those things are lying shattered on the floor. How could something so precious to you be treated so recklessly?

You thought this love would last forever. That you could work through any difficulties. ‘Isn’t our love worth saving?’ you cried. But it’s over and your world’s been ripped apart. You feel as if you’ll never reach light at the end of the tunnel (as if you could even see any light at the end of the tunnel right now). You feel you’ll never be happy again. Right?

Well . . . would it help if I told you my story first?

My name is Annette. I come from a Christian family and became a Christian when I was about seven. I got baptized at fourteen and everything was going swimmingly with the Lord. Sure, there were guys I liked but they never seemed to like me in that way. ‘Ah, well, it doesn’t matter,’ I thought to myself. ‘It’s in God’s hands.’

At twenty-one, with a heart for God still, I was knocked to the ground by a rugby ball during a team game at a Christian camp. The effect was inexplicable. (It is one of the first things I’ll question God about when I get to heaven.) It seemed from that very moment as if God had literally been knocked right out of me. I still believed in God and what he had done for me, but it felt as if the fire had gone out.

Thus began my Wilderness Years.

I tried talking about it with Christian leaders but nothing ever got resolved so I simply shut up. Never mentioned it. To look at me you’d think I was a perfectly normal Christian girl but I felt dead inside. To make matters worse, my church closed down a few years later and I was devastated. The church and friends I’d loved and grown up with – gone. Things wouldn’t be the same again.

In the end, after trying several different churches over the years, I settled at one that had had strong links with my previous church but I knew it wasn’t going to be my church home. I figured if I didn’t go there, I wouldn’t go anywhere and my faith refused to allow me to give up on God, even though it seemed he had given up on me.

Fast forward several more years. I’m 35 and had been in the Wilderness for nearly fifteen years (peanuts compared to Moses but still . . . ! It takes a lot out of you). Still hadn’t had a boyfriend, and I’d resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. What you hadn’t had, you don’t miss, I reasoned.

It all changed when I met a guy at a friend’s Christmas party. There was a spark. We started dating. he went semi-regularly to a church but he wasn’t a Christian. (Dating a non-Christian? Where’s a ‘shocked’ smiley when you need one!) It was something I knew was wrong but, as it stood, I wasn’t as strong a Christian as I should have been, I so glossed over it. I wouldn’t do it now, especially after reading Net-burst’s pages on this subject. (See Dating a Non-Christian and related pages.)

One Sunday, about a month after we started dating, I felt nudged to have ‘The Talk’ with my boyfriend; the talk about my faith and also to find out about his. I hadn’t spoken to anybody about my wilderness state for over ten years so it was quite a challenge, but I took the plunge (that ‘nudge’ was too strong for me to ignore) and miraculously felt quite liberated afterward.

I then talked with my boyfriend about his faith and the upshot of this conversation was my boyfriend read through a Steps to Peace with God pamphlet by Billy Graham and prayed the prayer at the end. Friends at his church were delighted at the news as they’d been praying for him to become a Christian for some time. My boyfriend came to my church occasionally with me and I went to his church occasionally with him. We even started looking for a church we could go to as a couple – ‘our’ church home.

Well, naturally, I was cartwheeling inside. My boyfriend was now a Christian and, to me, that was all that mattered. The official seal of approval, so to speak.

‘Yay, this is it!’ I thought with glee; mega-wattage grin plastered on my face. ‘Surely this relationship has come from God?? Surely he’s (finally!) dusted me down from the shelf and I should book an urgent fitting with ‘Bride-To-Be Gowns’??!’

Well . . . yes, and no.

Though early on in the relationship my boyfriend and I had spoken about getting married (we’d even jokingly looked at engagement rings), he was now beginning to distance himself from me. That hurt. And, more often than not, I’d find myself driving away from his house with tears streaming down my face but vowing I was going to fight for the relationship.

‘Isn’t our love worth saving?’ I cried to myself.

Alas, no. The relationship limped on for a while but was over a few months later. I was devastated.

In my naivety, I imagined we’d get back together a few days or weeks later and things would coast on toward that fairy-tale wedding. After all, isn’t that what usually happens in the movies?

We kept in contact initially but I was finding it too hard. My ex was moving on with his life but mine seemed to be over.

I remember asking God to take me to be with him because I just couldn’t see the point of living anymore, but God gave me a verse in reply the very next day. It said, ‘I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.’ (Psalm 27:13-14.) Pretty amazing, huh?

It was going to be a while before I’d start seeing some of that goodness, however, but it was a verse I held onto in my darkest moments. And believe me, those moments seemed pretty bleak to me! I was living on the opposite side of town to all my friends and family, so felt quite isolated. And my job then wasn’t busy, so I had plenty of time to dwell on the break-up. I lost a lot of weight (who knew it was even possible for wrists to get thinner?!) and my hair was shedding at a rate of knots ( . . . although that damage might have been caused by overuse of hair straighteners . . . !). Each day was a monotonous struggle and I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I felt lethargic and longed for the oblivion of sleep all the time. Out of morbid curiosity I’d complete online questionnaires to find out if I had depression and would usually conclude smugly that – yes; I was depressed!

Little by little I found help in unexpected places. A relationship message board got me through the initial days of questioning the break-up, and family and friends were brilliantly supportive. I’d always considered myself pretty self-sufficient and to find that people did actually care about me and wanted to help, made a big difference.

I leaned in closer to the Lord, too, and started doing a daily Bible devotion each morning – a practice I’d neglected over the years. I hungrily read Christian books on break-ups and relationships, figuring if God was going to bring somebody into my life in the future (after all, he’d done it once when I was totally unprepared and had given up all hope so who’s to say he won’t again?) then I’d want to make sure I was prepared this time.

I also decided it was time to start searching for my proper church home. I was now coming out of the Wilderness and I wanted to find a church where I could be all God wanted me to be in him. I narrowed the choice down to three and felt led to one particular church but didn’t feel able to start going there until I moved closer to it.

So  . . . my parents welcomed me back into the family home (thanks Mum and Dad!) and I handed my notice in at work, trusting that God would provide me with another job on the right side of town. I was hoping for a busy one that would keep me occupied, but God had other ideas! My next job was even worse than the job I’d left but I persevered with it, believing that God had brought me there for a reason.

He had; with plenty of time on my hands at work, I surfed the web in search of answers and found some great Christian websites. The best – by far – was Net-Burst. I could literally feel God’s love pouring off the pages as I devoured the site. It helped me so much in understanding my wilderness years (although I don’t feel the years will be fully explained until I get to Heaven, I’m at peace with the answers I’ve received so far), and Grantley Morris (the man behind the website) was a rock as I poured out my heart about my break-up.

God also used Christians on other forums and message boards to help me through this difficult time. I learned to trust God in particularly trying circumstances. He could see the outcome when I couldn’t. Let’s face it – God knew what he was doing when he gave me that particular job! If I’d been in a busier one I would never have had the time and access to these forms of support.

I was able to attend the new church now I was living closer to it, and I found a lot of love, support and understanding there – particularly helpful when the slightest thing would send tears streaming down my face mid-service! The church didn’t turn out to be my church home but it was definitely where God wanted me to be for that period. During this time, God also introduced me to some remarkable, strong, single Christian women – an area of friendship that was sorely lacking in my life. These friendships – one via an internet forum, and the others from the church – have blessed me abundantly.

It’s been a rocky road to travel but, even though I might not always have felt his presence, God has been with me, guiding me, every step of the way. I’ve changed jobs again (you’ll be pleased to know I’m much happier – and busier - in my current workplace), and have also now found my church home, which I’m thrilled to bits about. No change in my living arrangements – I’m still with my parents some two years later (I like to tell them I’m funding their retirement) and I’m still single, but that’s fine too. God knows the plans he has for me; he can see the outcome even when I can’t!

So there is light at the end of the tunnel. (And – for those jokers out there – no, it’s not the lights of the express train coming my way!)

I might not have booked the fitting with ‘Bride-To-Be Gowns’ but I firmly believe the relationship did come from God. So much good has come about because of it – even in spite of the heartbreak – that I have to say God’s hand was at work in it. Granted the outcome wasn’t what I’d wanted (I always believed my first boyfriend would become my husband), but I have learned so much about myself, my faith and God that I wouldn’t change what happened.

Besides which, if I hadn’t gone through it, then you wouldn’t be reading my testimony now, would you? Food for thought, hmm?

Okay, my friend, we’re onto the practical stuff!

And speaking of food  . . .

We live in such a ‘fast-food’ world, don’t we? Hungry? Pop something into the microwave and it’s ready to eat in minutes. Want to listen to a new CD but don’t want to walk or drive to the shops to buy it? Simple. Download it from the Internet. Want to speak to somebody in London? Washington? Sydney? Outer Mongolia? No problem! You’re connected in seconds.

We don’t like waiting, do we? We want instant satisfaction. It frustrates us when God doesn’t immediately take away the pain from a break-up. But I think we have to view this more in terms of a physical wound. Your relationship was no mere cut or bruise that will heal within days, was it? It was something major and, like all major wounds, you’re going to need time to recuperate.

Try not to get hung up on how long it is taking you to recover, or to fixate on how quickly your ex seems to have gotten over you. We’re all different. It doesn’t matter how long or how short you dated, or how long ago the break up actually was. If you gave your heart to this person it’s going to take time to recover and how long that takes is just however long you need.

Don’t ever think you’ve got to get over this quickly. There isn’t a magic formula that says Multiply the number of romantic meals they cooked you by the number of gifts you bought them, plus how many times he/she said, ‘I love you,’ added to the number of friends who thought you were a ‘perfect couple,’ divided by the number of times anyone said you were not suited, to get to the magic number of weeks it will take you to get over your break-up. (Hmm . . . on second thoughts, maybe I should patent that?!)

Some hearts need so much more time to heal than others, depending on how secure and confident their background has made them feel, how much had been invested in the relationship, and who knows how many other factors. You’ve got to allow yourself time to grieve, so you take as long as you need.

God works with us at a pace he knows is best for us. And think about it this way - if you’re still grieving the loss of your love then you’re not going to rebound straight into an unsuitable relationship that will put you even further back in the recovery stakes, are you?

You might think it strange to think of ‘grieving’ over a relationship but, in effect, that’s what you’re doing. You’re mourning over the good times and the bad; the past you had together and the future you now won’t. (And we always seem to view that ‘future’ through rose colored glasses, don’t we? That ‘perfect’ bliss-filled future that should definitely be filed in the ‘fiction – never gonna happen in a billion years’ part of our brains!)

But grieving isn’t the only thing to experience. There’s a whole rollercoaster of emotions you may go through, which are perfectly illustrated by the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle (also known as the Five Stages of Grief). This cycle describes the process by which people cope with grief and tragedy – whether it is the loss of a relationship, a bereavement, job loss, terminal illness, or whatever. You won’t necessarily experience all the stages, and they won’t necessarily come in the order listed, but you may well recognize yourself in some of them. Let’s explore them further.

The first stage is ‘Denial’. Typical head-in-the-sand attitude – ‘It can’t be happening.’ ‘If I ignore it, it’ll go away.’ Maybe you haven’t broken up yet but it’s a possibility and you’re pretending to your friends and family that everything’s still fine.

Unfortunately, this situation won’t go away. You’ll have to face up to it eventually. The sooner you do, the sooner God can get working with you on what to do next. In my own relationship, I knew things couldn’t go on as they had been, so I prepared myself for instigating the ‘break-up’ discussion. I prayed about it (but only briefly – I was still feeling in the Wilderness at that point) and booked the following day off work as I knew I wouldn’t be in any fit state to face anybody afterward. But even after the break-up had occurred I was still in denial – I still had illusions of us getting back together at some point in the future.

After this is ‘Anger’. ‘Why is this happening to me?? It’s not fair!’ Perhaps you lie awake at night scheming ways to get revenge.

Bring it to God. Rant against him, if need be – if you’re angry with him for allowing this to happen to you, then tell him. He knows what you’re thinking anyway (Psalm 139:4 ‘Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD’) and I’m sure he’d much rather you were honest with him than being bitter and bottling it all up. He’s got broad shoulders – he can handle whatever you throw at him.

Tempting though it is to plot revenge, don’t go down that route. You have more dignity than that! If you’re a Christian, that makes you a precious son or daughter of our King, and would you really expect to see a Prince or Princess behaving like an obsessed stalker or worse? . . . I don’t think so, either. (And Revenge! Turning Hate into Healing gives another perspective on this subject.)

The next stage is ‘Bargaining’. Maybe we realize we weren’t all we could have been in the relationship. We see faults – whether real or imagined – and think that if we rectify them we can bargain with our ex to get the relationship back. ‘I promise you, I’ll stop chewing my toenails/always let you have control of the TV remote/learn to juggle fluffy clouds/grow longer legs, if you’ll just take me back.’

Maybe it’s God you’re bargaining with? ‘If you bring my ex back, I’ll learn the Bible in Swahili/be nice to old Mr Johnson in the flat below/clean the church toilets for six years.’

When we bargain, I think we’re trying to gain some measure of control over the situation. We’re trying to dictate what terms the relationship should proceed on. But if the relationship isn’t God’s plan for us, then we’ll only frustrate ourselves when it doesn’t work out. If you want to make changes to your life – healthy, positive changes – then do them for your own sake and to bring glory to God.

Next we come to the classic ‘Depression’. ‘Nothing’s ever going to get better so what’s the point? Why bother with anything?’ You shut yourself away from everyone and become even more depressed.

This is when things seem the bleakest. But this is also when we can bring pleasure to our Father the most. There are some verses in Habakkuk that I absolutely adore because of their lyrical quality, and they are very apt for what God wants us to do in these circumstances.

‘Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.’ (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

Praise and worship our Lord and Savior. Take the focus off yourself and give it to him. This is what the writers of some of the Psalms did. I’ve just opened my Bible and Psalm 77 illustrates a person crying out in distress, feeling rejected and unloved. But the writer then resolves to remember the deeds of the Lord and meditate on all his works. See how many more Psalms you come across that demonstrate this too.

Finally, there’s ‘Acceptance’. You’ve realized that things are as they are – there’s nothing you can do about them – so it’s time to get on with your own life. You might think it’s an uphill struggle to start piecing things back together but at least you’ve taken a step along that road of acceptance and that’s all you need do for now – just keep taking one small step at a time.

As stated previously, the cycle of these stages isn’t set in stone. Our emotions can swing to and fro between different points; one minute you can be depressed, then you’ve accepted it, then you’re angry, then you’re back to depression again – there’s no set pattern. Some situations may trigger emotions you’d previously felt had been dealt with and you can find yourself revisiting stages of the cycle; I had brief flashes of anger even as I was writing this webpage.

So. How many stages did you recognize?

How many have you been through? Which one are you on now?

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a breather for a moment – put the kettle on and grab some more cookies! – and mull over these stages. Bring it to God and let him work in your heart.

Heavenly Father, I pray that You will show my friend where they are right now in these stages of grief. Give them Your discernment and wisdom. Lead them gently toward acceptance of their situation and bring them hope for their future.

I pray these things in Jesus’ name, Amen

One thing that panicked me when getting over my relationship was thinking about time. Somebody on a message board said I’d be feeling so much better about things in six months’ time and I remember thinking ‘Six MONTHS??!!! That’s like FOREVER!!!’

I felt like l was going to drown in how long it was all taking, and I realized I had to stop thinking that far ahead. I had to concentrate on Today – the here and now – and force myself to get through that particular day (and if your mind can’t even cope with thinking about 24 hours at a time, then break it down even further; 12 hours, 6 hours, 1 hour even). Don’t think about next week or next month or next year. Just think about Today and getting through that day. One very relevant verse is Matthew 6:34: ‘Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

Speaking of time, I’ll mention the dreaded biological clock here. The older we get, unfortunately the louder it thumps. Granted this won’t be as relevant to the guys out there reading this, but I’m sure it will have crossed your mind that you don’t particularly want your knees creaking with old age when you’re trying to play football with your son or daughter in the park! And, for us women, it’s a fact of life that after a certain point in time we won’t physically be able to have a child. So what do we do?

From my own point of view, I’ll confess I had a hyperventilation moment or two when my relationship broke up. Whilst I love children I’m not particularly keen to go through the physical pain of giving birth (life would be so much easier if we could pick a baby up with our groceries, wouldn’t it?!) but that doesn’t mean I’ve necessarily ruled it out entirely, and I’d rather I wasn’t drawing my pension before my child was at senior school! With the break-up, my mind was feverishly recalculating a new timetable – ‘I’ll have to meet my future husband by then, we can date for x months and get married by then and that will still give me the physical amount of time to have a baby before the clock stops.’

But then I had to pause and calm myself and consider God in this. What if he didn’t want me to have children? Would I be happy with that? Don’t get me wrong – I love children. I’ve always had a good rapport with them (probably because I’m such a big kid myself!). I like to think I’d be a good mum (well, once we get over the small issues of whether I’d be able to sacrifice my Saturday lie-in and any kind of sleep life for my offspring, and whether they’d be able to eat anything edible and nutritious from my oven!).

That was a hard thing to consider. Even with IVF, not everybody is able to conceive. I had to realize a baby is a gift from God, and not everybody gets that gift. Could I accept that?

I took a look around. I have a very special, close relationship with my young niece and nephew. Maybe in time there will be more nieces and nephews to love too. Or children of friends. Maybe adoption or fostering. There are many ways now in which you can give the love of a parent without actually being a parent.

So I decided that, yes, I could accept it. And, on the other side of the coin, didn’t Sarah and Abraham have a baby when they were advanced in years? Elizabeth and Zechariah too. After all, ‘. . . nothing is impossible with God’ (Luke 1:37). So I shouldn’t rule it out entirely, and neither should you. (Just pray now for strong bones and a healthy constitution that’ll keep you running around after your toddler, even when you’re the wrong side of a mid-life crisis!)

One hurdle crossed.

After that, the next hurdle was easier to consider. Okay, if I’m not worrying myself over a timescale about when or if I’m going to have children, does it matter when I get married? I’m hoping that marriage is in God’s plans for me but would I be happy to wait for God’s timing in this?

I had to consider the ‘best years’ of my life. Perhaps God wants me to share those with him instead of my future husband? I believe those years won’t be spent in vain. (See No Marriage In Heaven?)

God knows me inside and out. He knows me best. He knows when would be the perfect time for me to get married, so I concluded I could trust him in this matter too. Another hurdle done and dusted.

Last hurdle. Toughest one yet  . . .

What about if God doesn’t want me to EVER get married? Would I be happy with that?

GULP!!!!!! That was more difficult. Maybe God had me single all these years in preparation for a life of singleness? What you haven’t had, you don’t miss . . . but . . . but . . . I did have a small taste of ‘coupledom’ – it was something I could get used to.

I’ll be honest – I can’t give a categorical ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to that question. Going back to a previous paragraph, it would overwhelm me to think that far ahead. Instead I’ll say ‘Today I’m happy being single.’ For the next 12 hours/6 hours/1 hour (or however long you’ve broken it down into) can you cope with being single? That’s all God asks us to do – take those little steps into our todays and not worry over those tomorrows.

So what steps can you take to get you through each day?

The top priority is to draw near to God. Pray! Bring him all your concerns and worries and fears. Ask him if there is anything he wants you to learn in all of this. Listen to him. Read your Bible. Memorize uplifting verses for your bleakest moments. Maybe try to see the good he can bring out of the situation. Usually it’s only when we’re further down the path of recovery we see how the messy threads of this relationship were worked into a beautiful subsection in the tapestry of our life.

Now, at the risk of sounding heretical, make sure you don’t go overboard in the intensity of drawing near. Yes, God does want you to spend time with him but there does have to be a balance. Jesus spent time with friends and going to parties, as well as spending time with his Father in prayer, so don’t neglect your ordinary life.

And speaking of friends, surround yourself with supportive friends and family at this time. Lean on them. They love you and want to help you through this, so let them. Chances are they’ll be glad of the opportunity to do something for you. At the same time, don’t let them pressurize you into moving on more quickly than you’re ready for. If you really can’t face socializing, then tell them.

I realize some people might find it hard to receive this kind of help. Perhaps you’ve never needed it before because you’ve been self-sufficient all your life or maybe you’re too shy/hesitant/proud to let your guard down around other people. Here’s one way to look at it – perhaps God needs you to be the recipient of help so he can work some change in the other person’s life as they give you that help? So be sensitive to them and to the Holy Spirit. Your focus will then be on someone other than yourself too (which won’t be a bad thing at all).

Self-esteem is one thing you’re going to have to address as well. I know you’re feeling rejected and unloved following your break-up but don’t EVER forget you are loved. God gave his Son for you and wants to spend eternity with you – that’s how much you are loved. Don’t base your worth on your ex’s view of you but rather base it on God’s view of you:

* You are a child of God (1 John 3:1)

* You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)

* You are a treasured possession (Exodus 19:5).

We are made in God’s image and there is hope in reaching your fullest potential with or without a ‘mate’.

Make sure you’re eating properly, and don’t forget to take some exercise either. If you’re feeling under the weather then don’t be afraid to get yourself checked out by your doctor (I did and found I was anemic. A healthy course of iron tablets was soon the order of the day).

If you think it is taking you an abnormally long time to recover, and you think it would be beneficial, then don’t be afraid to consider seeing a counselor either. Ask around at your church for any known Christian counselors in your area (you might even be fortunate enough to have one or two actually at your church). This webpage can only go so far – a Christian counselor will be able to give you their professional opinion and advice.

One way of lifting your spirits is to listen to some fun, danceable music. If you have understanding neighbors, crank the volume up and have a good boogie! Don’t forget to listen to praise and worship songs too, and sing along! Even if you’re not the world’s best singer, to God you will be. He loves to hear you sing his praises.

Smile.

Giggle.

Chuckle. Guffaw.

Snigger. Snort. Chortle.

Yes – LAUGH!!

Don’t they say laughter is the best medicine? Watch a funny film. Think of some daft things to do. Even if you don’t feel like it (and even if it feels really strange) laugh out loud right now. Go on – I dare you! (Okay, I’ll let you off if you’re in a crowded internet café or somewhere extremely public at the moment. Although, on second thoughts . . . that might make you laugh more to see people’s faces as they look worriedly at you and give you a wide berth!) Imagine you’re an actor on stage and you’ve been given your cue to laugh, so LAUGH or else the play won’t make sense! I guarantee that pretty soon the ‘fake’ laughter will turn into proper laughter. Release those happy endorphins!

And, on the flip side of that coin, it’s okay to cry too. Don’t ever think you’ve got to present a stiff upper lip all the time. Didn’t God invent tears? And doesn’t he store them in a bottle? (‘Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?’ Psalm 56:8 – KJV). I’ve always loved that thought. Mine must be a huge bottleful by now!

Did you neglect friends or hobbies when you were dating? Now’s the time to resume those interests. Even if you don’t feel like it, sometimes it’s a good idea to force yourself along to something you love doing as once you’re there the familiar surroundings and friends will perk you up.

These next suggestions are tough ones to apply but in the long-term they will be worthwhile. Be strong, my friend!!

First up, make a clean break.

EEEK!! I know, I know; you’re reeling in shock at that. You’ve both promised to remain friends, haven’t you? Well, I hate to say it to you but you need time to heal and for that you need space too. If you’re still in love with them when you remain friends, your ex will be getting what they want (your friendship) but you won’t be getting what you want (which, presumably, is to get back with them), so you will need a period of separation so you can get over your ex.

If it’s unavoidable that you’ll be seeing them (you work together or you go to the same church or you’ll see them at a mutual friend’s party or whatever), then bring it to your Father in Heaven. Ask him to help you be polite, dignified and Christ-like in your dealings with your ex. Ask friends to keep you in their prayers too.

You have to be ruthless here and take down any reminders of your ex – any photos or cute, cuddly toys or gifts – and box them away. Any reminders will only upset you at this point, so you need them out of sight. In time you’ll find you’re strong enough mentally to get rid of them altogether but for now, the physical act of boxing them away will be enough (and if you find you can’t do them all in one go then put one item away each day or each couple of days. Keep taking these little steps at your own pace – only you know how much you can cope with at a time).

Don’t bombard your ex with texts, emails or phone calls. They’ve called, ‘Time!’ on the relationship so you have to respect their decision. If they made a mistake in that, they’ll be the one to contact you. If they haven’t, bombarding them won’t change their mind and will just make you seem more needy (a quality that isn’t attractive at the best of times, let’s face it!).

And, in connection with that, this next action actually made me physically sick as I did it, but it was an essential step to take. Take a deep breath, friend! . . . I deleted my ex’s number from my mobile/cell phone.

I didn’t want to text him ‘accidentally’ in the hope he would reply and for my emotions to then plummet like a stone when he didn’t. I couldn’t keep putting myself through that. I still had his number in my address book at home but, if I was out and had a mad urge to text him, I’d have to wait until I was home then physically key in the number again by which time the impulse to text would be over. You might find it hard to cut off this major lifeline to your ex so, again, I would urge you to do it at your own pace. Perhaps you could delete the number, wait five minutes/an hour/a day and key it back in again. Keep doing this until you’re able to leave your ex’s number off your phone altogether.

Similarly with emails, delete your ex’s email address from your contacts. Again, as a fall-safe, have it written down elsewhere until you’ve weaned yourself off from contacting them in this manner and can get rid of it once and for all.

To pray or not to pray? That, my friend, is the question. Do you keep praying for your ex?

I was praying I would get back together with mine, but that isn’t the type of praying I’m referring to here. My ex was a new Christian so I was also praying he would grow in his faith, find a good church to attend and surround himself with other Christians. These, of course, are extremely important matters to pray for but, by doing this, I was keeping my ex fresh in my thoughts and fuelling my desire for the relationship to be rekindled. And this was hindering me from getting over him and moving on.

So what can we do?

It’s a tough one, I know. You go on a guilt trip if you’re not praying for your ex when you believe it’s your Christian duty to do so, but, at the end of the day, if it’s doing YOU more harm than good then you have to leave it to the Lord. HE can cause somebody else to rise up and keep praying for your ex on your behalf.

When I was going through this dilemma of believing I should pray for my ex but just finding it too difficult to do so myself, I asked a very close friend to pray for him on my behalf. This gave me time to heal emotionally whilst knowing my ex was being prayed for. Perhaps this is something you could consider too?

For the final stages of your healing to be complete, there is one fundamental issue you’ll have to address. It’s that ‘F’ word – ‘forgiveness’. Yes, at some point in time, you’re going to have to forgive the wrongs done to you by this other person.

Why should you?

I’ll quote from a page of Grantley’s (Forgive us our sins) about forgiveness. Here’s his reason for forgiving:

‘Because it’s Godlike.

God forgives those who have no right to be forgiven. He forgives his haters. Christ was abandoned. The Innocent was accused, condemned, and made to feel like low life. His holy body was violated by whips, nails, spear. He was mocked, maligned, tortured. And he forgave. He’s God. And he has the power to make you like God.

The Lord of all wants to make you royalty – a child of the King of kings. Not an adopted child, but born into his family, bearing his nature – his genes as it were. And part of the beautiful, divine nature God wants released into your life is an attitude of forgiveness.

It was something I baulked at, but forgiveness is an instruction in the Bible and I had to choose whether I would be obedient to God in this matter or not. It was a choice I faced on a daily basis and, at first, I couldn’t handle the thought of forgiving my ex so I asked God to help me choose to forgive even when I didn’t feel like it.

Whether the other person receives that forgiveness isn’t your responsibility. All you have to do is offer it. Now, I realize it might be difficult to physically give that forgiveness to the other person if they’re out of your life altogether, but offer it up to God and then leave the burden with him. He’ll know what to do with it. Trust him.

Similarly, you’ll need to apologize for any wrong actions you took in the relationship. Offer them, don’t excuse them, ask for forgiveness, and then leave them with God.

So, why did this break-up happen? Was there anything you did wrong? Are you really that unlovable? Why did God put you through this? Why didn’t he stop the pain?

I’m going to quote from Elisabeth Elliot’s Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity (Baker Publishing Group, 1996), which I hope will help you understand why we sometimes have to go through heartbreak.

“He has a glorious purpose in permitting the heartbreak. We may find many clues for this in Scripture, for example:

* that we may be shaped to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29)
* that we may learn to trust (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)
* that we may learn to obey (Psalm 119:64,71)
* that we may bear fruit (John 15:2)
* that we may reach spiritual maturity (James 1:4)

Hard as it is to live with, there will be questions left unanswered. It was something I had to accept; I won’t know everything that was going on ‘behind the scenes’ until I get to Heaven. Never forget there’s a spiritual battle raging all around us, and the relationship or the subsequent heartbreak could be Satan’s attempt to knock one of God’s finest – you! – off course.

Don’t give up, my friend. I’m cheering you on!

‘And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast’ (I Peter 5:10).

“If Only I Had a Second Chance . . .”
By Annette & Grantley

Someone responded to this webpage with an e-mail that went along these lines:

I deeply identify with everything you have written. What is particularly plaguing me, however, are regrets and “what ifs.” I see where I went wrong and things that I wish so passionately to do differently. I desperately crave a second chance to put these lessons into practice but it is so devastating that I can’t change the past and am totally unable to have a second chance.

Annette remembers thinking after her break-up, “What if I’d been more willing to try new things, be more spontaneous, and so on,” but then she realized that for her that would be out of character, and if she were having to completely change who she is, then perhaps he wasn’t the right person after all.

If you have given your life to Christ, God has forgiven you. To not forgive yourself after the Holy Lord has forgiven you is to the insult the Judge of the entire human race by implying you have higher standards than the Perfect One. To be godly, you must have God’s attitude toward your past, which is to forgive it and not let it keep you from future blessings. For help with this, see Forgiving Yourself and the pages it leads to.

People frequently wonder whether they should keep past sins secret from someone with whom they are romantically involved. Recently someone wrote to Grantley saying she had briefly slipped away from God and been unfaithful to her boyfriend. When she returned to God and to him, her boyfriend wanted to know details and she kept them hidden, fearing that he would not forgive her and not wanting to hurt him. Grantley replied:

Even though he does not know it, you are hurting him everyday by lying to him – and you are lying by refusing to tell him the truth. And not only that, you are hurting yourself.

If he cannot freely forgive you he doesn’t love you and doesn’t deserve someone as godly as you, and if he claims to be a Christian, he is a hypocrite. He doesn't deserve to be lied to and you don’t deserve having someone whom you fear doesn’t love you.

You claim that telling him would mean the end of your relationship. You don’t know that, but if so, by not telling him you are just cruelly prolonging the agony and causing him to fall more and more in love with a lie – not real love but the type of infatuation that hurts.

Remember that anyone claiming to be a Christian who refuses to forgive you is seriously out of line with what God expects of Christians. And it is a spiritual necessity to marry only someone who is in a right relationship with God. To do otherwise is to defile Christ. It is that serious. This is not because Christians are superior but because by his grace God has purified them and spiritually united them to the Holy One so that whatever they do affects God. The spiritual transformation Christians have undergone is, of course, freely available to anyone but until people enter into this, they belong not to the Holy Lord but to the devil. For a biblical explanation of this critically important truth, see Dating a Non-christian.

As hard as it is, try not to regret things. There is a positive side even to discovering “too late” things we could have done better. Any of us can learn from the past and become a better person as a result.

At first, all you can probably think of is what you have lost, but recognizing past mistakes has the potential to give you a much richer relationship with someone in the future and, believe it or not, that person is likely to be even more suited to you than the person you have lost.

God can use our every experience to refine us into pure gold. So think of the lessons you’ve learned as God refining you into a true treasure. Many will benefit, including the special person he has for you.

Take the lessons on board and start applying them now to your everyday life. You do not need a romantic relationship to use the lesson of being more loving, for example. You can show appreciation and love to your parents, siblings and friends right now. Or maybe you needed to communicate more. Again, you can practice this right now. The more you apply the lessons in everyday life, the more you’ll be ready for the future relationship God has for you. There’s a saying that goes something like: “Don’t look for the right person, be the right person.”

For encouragement about God’s ability to bring good from past mistakes, see Turning Wasted Years into Blessing

Final Thoughts
By Grantley Morris

Breakups hurt. They feel like an enormous loss. Ultimately, however, Christians cannot lose. In the short term, life can seem horrific but God’s commitment to our long term good is unshakable. The early stages of a work of art can seem hopeless, chaotic and ugly, even though the finished masterpiece will take our breath away. Romans Eight comforts us with the glorious truth that no tragedy can cause us to lose the love of the Lord who is so powerful that he brings good out of everything that hits us.

All we need do is cooperate with God’s efforts to turn devastation into beauty. This simply involves drawing as close as we can to God and doing things his way. So, as distressing as a breakup is, there is something even more tragic: letting a breakup erode our relationship with God. Blaming God at the very time that we most need his comfort, support and healing is, at the very least, a double whammy.

I won’t bother with easy answers. I’ll refuse to consider that you might be one of the multitudes who end up hurt by entering relationships God never wanted them to contemplate. For example, I’ll assume you did not break God’s principles by getting romantically involved with a non-Christian (see Dating Non-Christians). And I’ll assume you did not get too involved physically before marriage and so suffered from the additional emotional entanglements that brings.

Whether they had previously tapped into it or not, simmering just below the surface of most love-starved people is such desperation that they are like someone telling themselves, “God must have wanted me to steal or he wouldn’t have led that woman to leave her purse unattended in church when he knew I was praying for money!”

A woman e-mailed me the following:

Recently, all signs had been pointing to the Lord bringing a specific Christian man into my life. . . . I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord was the one who initially brought him in the first place. . . . I had previously prayed to God for companionship. Then God brought this man along only to take him away so soon. I don’t understand why God would do this to me and I wish he never brought that man in the first place to get my hopes up. . . .

As confirmed by all the similar e-mails I keep receiving, such powerful emotions are triggered when “boy meets girl” that this, plus a coincidence or two is all it takes for the result to look and feel like an act of God.

Being “in love” releases such a chemical cocktail into one’s bloodstream that it is like being high on drugs. Objectivity and sober judgment are left so far behind that built into our very language are such expressions as “love is blind,” and seeing everything “through rose colored glasses.”

Rather than offend the woman, however, by suggesting she was as vulnerable as the rest of us is at mistaking something as God’s leading, I replied:

Consider Adam and Eve. If ever there were a marriage made in heaven it was that one. And yet Eve sinned and led Adam into sin and then Adam widened the rift by blaming her. Was this God's doing? No, they sinned against God and broke his heart and in doing so they hurt each other.

Nevertheless, you will probably still feel like attacking the One person who fully understands you, and (as proved by the cross) so passionately cares about your distress that he would willingly swap places with you if that would help. Your pain is so deep that irrational outbursts are understandable. For a moment, let’s try to think this through, however.

Why haven’t you grabbed a knife or gun, forced your loved one into a room and locked the door so that he/she can never leave you? Or why haven’t you pumped him/her full of drugs so that he/she cannot resist you? Or have you sought to hypnotize him/her so that every time you ring a bell he/she involuntarily says, “I love you”? Or what about blackmailing him/her into submission? If your morality would not let you commit such an atrocity, dare you imagine that the Holy One, who alone is truly good, is so despicable as to have even lower moral standards than you?

Whether brute force is used or something akin to drugs or hypnotism whereby one’s kidnap victim is too dazed to realize the magnitude of the crime, such a violation of a person’s will is appalling. Having infinite power to dupe people cannot make an atrocity right.

Moreover, any sane person would find receiving forced “love” utterly unfulfilling. If it is in any sense forced, it is not love at all. And God operates not by force but love. He is driven by love and the highest morals, even to the point of sacrificing everything for the sake of people who continually break his heart and keep on spurning him. No one knows the pain of rejection like God does. His agony is multiplied beyond comprehension by all the pain and suffering his loved ones feel and all the heartache they cause him by the way they treat him and treat others whom he loves equally passionately. Why does God endure it? Why doesn’t he close his heart? Why doesn’t he enslave everyone?

Your pain is your chance to enter into a deeper understanding of the most beautiful thing in the universe: God’s heart. The heart of God is so immense that even in the face of unfathomable pain he still has unbounded joy and peace because, despite his unfulfilled yearning for the love of individuals who break his heart, he is never self-obsessed. He keeps on loving and delights in the happiness of others.

To love is to live and to love immensely is to revel in all life’s richness. True love knows no bounds. It embraces everyone, including the unlovable and those who despise us. It is not sexual. It does not seek its own comfort. Unbridled love brings pain, but it also brings joy of divine proportions.

Breakups not only tear couples apart, they rip God’s heart. Don’t dare think God is made of stone. If you have ever truly loved, you know that seeing a loved one in agony sends you reeling in pain. God loves you even more intensely.

So why did the God with the power to do anything allow the darling of your heart to hurt you? Because God is love. Untold thousands of people break up with God every single day. If the Almighty refuses to lessen his own pain by forcing them into submission, do not insult him by expecting him to corrupt himself by forcing your friend back.

Assuming it is truly in our best interest, the God of love will do everything that your friend lets God do to help him/her return, but if he/she still refuses to forgive and/or see reason, the One who can do no wrong will not abuse his power. No matter how much truth is in the saying, “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” it does not apply to the Perfect Lord. He refuses to abuse his power.

The pain your breakup has caused is the deepest revelation you have so far had of the pain in God’s heart over all those who misunderstand him, turn their back on him and walk off into unspeakable danger. You and God have more in common than ever. Draw near to him, comfort him and let him comfort you.

I was digging a hole; pounding into the hard clay with a heavy iron crowbar that was almost as tall as me. Deeper and deeper I dug until the top was over my head. Everything was going fine until just once the crowbar, instead of plunging into the dirt, smashed into my big toe. For a while, that toe seemed like the most important thing in my universe.

Pain does that.

Human relationships are important and when they send us careering in pain they assume horrendous importance. Nevertheless, our relationship with God is even more critical and will last not just a lifetime but for all eternity.

Human relationships become a source of immense disappointment and heartache when we try to wring from them love, understanding and fulfillment of an intensity or perfection that only a perfect God of infinite love and wisdom can offer. Please don’t slide into the slimy quicksand of trying to claw from a human what only God can give. Instead, deepen your relationship with the One who alone has perfect love and will never leave.

Further Help

What Your Fantasies Reveal
God: The Perfect Love You Have Always Craved

Real Christians Grieve
Facing and Conquering Pain Versus Living in Denial

Overcoming Loneliness
Practical Help

When Things Get Tough
Compassionate Comfort: Follow the Links

The Surprising Joy of Trials
Encouragement

Forgive? You’ve Got to be Joking!
Turning Hate into Healing

True Love: A Reality Check for Singles
Stripping off the plastic love of romantic fiction and fairy tales to find the real thing

God Loves Me? God’s Love Revealed to You
Discovering the Depths of God’s Intimate Love for You

Singles Issues

Recommended Books
By Annette

I’ve rummaged through my bookcase and pulled out some Christian books that helped me through my difficult time. If you’re looking for further help, I can recommend the following:

1. The Dirt on Breaking Up by Hayley DiMarco & Justin Lookadoo (© 2004 Published by Fleming H. Revell)

(A book that, though slim and geared toward High Schoolers, certainly packs a punch – even to a 30-something like me!)

“Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, calling it quits is never easy. Break-ups are a part of life, but that doesn’t mean they won’t hurt. That’s why this book gives the lowdown for both the heartbroken and the heartbreaker . . . No matter what side of the break-up you’re on, it’s going to be a rough ride. But this book can make getting your heart stomped on a little less painful.”

2. What Becomes of the Brokenhearted by Michelle McKinney Hammond (© 2001 Published by Harvest House Publishers)

“It’s time to let the process of healing begin. It’s time to work things out. It’s time to separate the sense from the nonsense. It’s time to take responsibility for your heart. . . . Let God bring you back to life. Allow him to put you in your right place and establish you there. And prepare to love and live again.”

3. Release the Pain, Embrace the Joy by Michelle McKinney Hammond (© 2000 Published by Regal Books)

“Every woman endures heartbreak at some point, whether it’s a schoolgirl crush, a mature commitment or some other type of disappointment. But how do you move beyond the emptiness when it feels as though you can’t let go of what you had? As a Christian, where is God in the midst of your grief?”

4. Lord, I Want to Be Whole by Stormie Omartian (© 2000 Published by Thomas Nelson)

“These words are the heart-cry of many Christians who, in spite of their relationship with the Lord, find themselves dealing with overwhelming anger, guilt, depression – or perhaps the nagging feeling that something inside them just is not right.”

5. Just Enough Light for the Step I’m On by Stormie Omartian (© 1999 Published by Harvest House Publishers)

“If you’re experiencing a major life-change, making an important decision, or simply needing encouragement to make it through the day, you’ll find inspiration and hope in this candid, refreshing look at how to walk successfully through the difficult times of life. By following God’s lead and trusting him to provide just enough light for each step you’re on, you can trade in anxiety about the future and regret over the past for joyful anticipation and peaceful assurance in the present.”

6. Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel by Mark Atteberry (© 2005 Published by Thomas Nelson)

“If life has left you or a loved one stunned, angry, or confused, Mark Atteberry has good news. Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel is about hope, about triumphing through your pain, rather than getting bogged down in fear, defeat, and endless questions.”

7. The Gift of Letting Go: Powerful Stories of Forgiveness (© 2005 Published by Honor Books)

“In this book you will learn that although God has not promised a life without disappointment, pain, or suffering, He has shown us how to live with joy and strength in spite of the hurts we may experience. The key is forgiveness. . . . Through the amazing stories in this book, you will discover the path others have taken to restore relationships, forgive their tormentors, and regain peace after great turmoil. You will gain understanding of God’s forgiveness and its healing power. . . . Open your heart and let God minister his love, peace, comfort, and hope to you.”

8. When He Leaves by Kari West and Noelle Quinn (© 1998 Published by Harvest House Publishers)

(Although this book is geared to divorcees, it was the first Christian book I found in the bookshop about any kind of relationship break-up and I was able to draw plenty from it.)

“You never, ever wanted it to turn out this way. But now he’s gone. And you’re left to piece together the fragments of a shattered life. How can you cope and survive – even thrive again – after divorce? There are no answers. But beginning with the affirmation ‘You are not alone’, Kari and Noelle offer the insights they’ve gained on the path they also never wanted to travel.”

Not to be sold. © Copyright 2007, 2010, 2013, 2015 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.com  Freely you have received, freely give.
For use outside these limits, consult the author.