You hurt deeply, precious sister.

Every human has a seemingly insatiable need to feel special. Women typically see a manifestation of this need in men and with disdain label it “male ego.” Men see it in women and often dismiss it as childish emotionalism. But each of us has it, and it is neither childish, nor egotistical. Instead, it is a manifestation of the most noble thing about being human. What makes us humans so astounding is that we are divinely crafted with the amazing capacity to contain the Infinite and to relate to Perfection. And nothing less will satisfy. We were made to derive our sense of worth from the only Person in the universe big enough to do so – Almighty God himself. You have this basic need to feel special because in your Maker’s eyes you are special, and he longs to satisfy that craving by being to you everything you need.

A friend of mine suffered great emotional deprivation, the memory of which haunted her adult years. It all stemmed from her earthly father wanting a boy, not a girl. The earthly father to whom God entrusted her got things horribly wrong. Her real Father – our Creator – wanted a girl, and that’s exactly what he made. There are a thousand variations to this theme. Maybe the earthly parents God lent you to wanted an athlete or an academic, or something else you are not, but the wisest, most exalted, most important Person in the Universe – your Father in the fullest and ultimate sense – thinks very differently. To your Maker, you are no accident or disappointment. You are exactly what he chose to make. It is true that we can bear the marks of Adam’s sin – such as genetic deformities – which will be swept away in the life to come. But if such challenges did not fit perfectly into the Almighty’s earthly plans for you, he would change you in an instant. And not only is the Perfect One your Maker, he is your Savior, who suffered agonizing death for you. Talk about vested interests! Can you conceive how much the King of kings has invested in you? For you, he poured out not only his creative genius, but his last drop of blood. Since, in order to gain your friendship, God withheld not even what was dearest to his heart – the life of his infinitely precious only Son – Scripture insists that there is nothing in the entire universe he would withhold from you (Romans 8:32). It is no exaggeration to say you are of infinite importance to the loftiest and most important Person in the universe.

When we look to humans – the finite and imperfect – to satisfy our desperate need for the Infinite and Perfect, is it any wonder that we end up so emotionally starved that we almost suck the life out of our partner and are still left utterly frustrated and unfulfilled? God offers each of us a banquet of love so vast that we could feast on it for a million years and still have as many untasted delights ahead of us as when we began. Our tragedy is that God seems to us so distant and unreal that, instead of feasting on the Infinite, we become hooked on trying to force out of human relationships satisfaction that no one less than God can give. The ecstasy of romantic love might, for a while, drug an awareness of our craving for divine love, but as a pet dog cannot fill our need for perfect love, neither can a marriage partner.

There isn’t space here to expound on this vast and vital subject. You might think I’ve already spent too much time on it here, but it is actually the foundation of marital happiness. It is so important that I have dealt with in links provided below. It is only when the bottomless pit within us is filled by the Infinite – when our ravenous emotional hunger begins to be satisfied by the Lover of our souls – that our incessant craving to feel special will calm enough for us to end our frantic, fruitless attempts to squeeze out of a human what only God can give.

Let’s get real: our yearning to feel special is not met by the miracle of salvation, although that is the essential starting point. We need supernatural insight into how special we are to God. And we need nothing less than ever-deepening, never-ending intimacy with the Infinite Lord. I desperately need more than I presently experience. Neither you nor I are living in the fullness of all that is available to us. There is always more in God than we currently have. I presume that if we instantly received all we crave, we would end up losers because we’d be less motivated to keep seeking more of God. So we must keep looking to the Lord for more, resisting the temptation to act like the godless who put their hope in a mere human.

In biblical times, God’s people were constantly tempted to mix worshipping the true God with worshipping a god they could see and touch. The Lord repeatedly referred to idol worship as going after lovers. In our secular society we are even less sophisticated. Our preference for worshipping what we can see and touch, drives us to literally go after lovers, rather than the true God. No matter how moral we are, when we look to humans, we are truly looking for love in all the wrong places. At least other cultures are smart enough to recognize that their needs are beyond what any human can offer. Not surprisingly, they typically end up less disillusioned with their marriage partners and have far lower divorce rates than our society. And if you think we don’t worship humans, think again. The most important commandment, emphasized Jesus, is to love God with all our heart, soul and mind. The one we are most in love with is the one we worship. We literally adore that person.

I have a chronic need for a deeper consciousness of God’s personal love for me, and I suspect even the most spiritual of us have this need for more, whether we realize it or not. For some vital help on this matter, see:

• The Ultimate Love Affair

• You are loved!

• The Most Tortured Conscience Can Find Peace See also links at the end of that page

• God’s Will for You: More wonderful than you could imagine!

• God as Mother and the Dadda You Always Wanted

• Lord, make him regret what he did to me! A Healing Experience

• To God You Are Special

• When God Seems Far Away

The words “to know him is to love him,” apply to God like no one else. Our dilemma is that personal hang-ups and misconceptions drive even devout Christians to keep a little distance between us and God, thus hindering us from knowing God so intimately that we are head over heels in love with him. The average Christian couple are so starved of God’s love that they are nearly like two hungry cannibals constantly tempted to eat each other to satisfy the gnawing emptiness within them. In fact, both partners think God gave them the other to eat. Little wonder there is conflict!

How could dedicated Christians end up starved of God’s love? It sounds impossible, but it happens all the time. We often miss the joys of intimacy with God because although we try to force ourselves to reach out to God, deep down is a fear or doubt about God that makes us want to shrink from him. We might suspect that he is selfish, or fear he is not good and kind, or doubt that he is trustworthy. We wonder whether God might let us down, or hurt us. You might think he favors others over yourself, or feel that he frowns on you. You might think he wants your happiness less than you want it. Such concerns usually have little to do with God but are carry-overs from us being poorly treated by people. We unconsciously make the irrational assumption that the Almighty must be rather like other people. Even if we rationally make the distinction, the scars of past hurts often remain, like a rape survivor having difficulty relating to her husband, whose love and gentleness she knows is so very different to the rapist. Another huge problem is us resenting God for not preventing our past hurts.

There are answers to all our concerns, and until we begin to find those answers, we are not emotionally ready to tackle problems that plague normal marriages. For help with this, see:

• Why does God Allow Suffering?

• If Anyone has Reason to Hate God, it’s Sue

• Life’s Mysteries Explained

• Turning Hate into Healing

• What about those who have never heard the Gospel? If this issue makes you fear that God might be unfair, read this web series.

You will find my suggestions for an improved marriage hurtful, rather than helpful, while emotional hunger pains still tear at your insides, screaming out for satisfaction that God alone can give. To proceed while your heart is still broken would be like trying to learn to ski with a broken leg. The healing we need can only be found by plunging into the bottomless, healing pools of divine love. It is more blessed to give than to receive, but we have little chance of entering into the blessing of giving love until we discover how loved of God we are. Until then, we have little capacity to give selfless love. We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19).

We were created not to be leeches, but lovers. We are divinely ordained to be like God, who gives and gives and gives. But we can only fulfill our destiny after tapping in to an infinite source of love. So keep looking to your relationship with the Lord for the emotional fulfillment your need, resisting our natural tendency of expecting our partner to be God for us. I suggest you begin by bookmarking this page and reading all of the above links.

One final word before plunging in: when we continually turn the other cheek, we are sorely tempted to think we have lost our dignity. We feel like dirt. In reality, we are acting like divine royalty; like the King of kings who for your sake became a suffering servant. Let that sink in: when we deliberately lower ourselves, we are acting like the exalted Lord; we are beginning to fill the shoes of the mighty Son of God, our Leader and Example, who yielded to torturous humiliation, knowing he was headed for eternal glory. When we do good to those who wrongfully treat us, we are proving ourselves to be true sons and daughters of Almighty God. Acting like a slave, insisted Jesus, is the path to greatness (Mark 10:43-44). We can only do that by drawing upon the vast resources of a rich, fulfilling relationship with the Lord of lords.

Let’s remind ourselves of Betty’s e-mail: My husband is extremely self-centered. If he wants something, he gets it. He has managed to go on a vacation every year, without me or the children. He, I know, is like most men, but I am so tired of trying to feel special.

My reply:

You know in every fiber of your being just how important it is to feel special in the eyes of one’s partner. And you know, not just in theory but by bitter experience, how much marital pain self-centeredness causes. So, in the light of all your understanding, why is it that your efforts to make someone feel special center upon yourself? How special do you make Rick feel? My guess is that, like many of us, your inner pain has been so horrific that you have been unable to consider such a question. Suppose a bomb exploded in your house. In an instant your arm is blown off. Rick has lost his leg. You are both bleeding to death. As you reel in agony you would hardly be able even to think of Rick’s wounds, most less attend to them. I believe this is where you and Rick have been emotionally. I pray that by prayerfully reading the above links you are now beginning to find in God the healing that is essential for you to brave approaching marriage from the perspective that marriage was created to be – an opportunity to display Christlike (selfless) love.

It’s my guess that for years you valiantly attempted to meet Rick’s needs to feel special, but the most loving of us have only a finite store of love. We can persevere only for so long before our reserves of love begin to run dry. If you have truly been born again, you have tapped into divine love. But we all have blockages in our channel to God’s love, preventing all but a trickle of the Infinite love available to us to eke through to us. Even as I write, I am seeking the Lord to open my eyes to the things in my own life that are greatly restricting the flow. Without supernatural love we cannot possibly act like Christ.

You were born to be like God, and born again for this purpose. Christ came not only to make this possible but to show us what it means to be like God. Though he knew that what was about to happen was so horrific that he had been sweating blood over it, Jesus still focused on the needs of others, even healing the ear of one of those arresting him. Right was on his side, yet he submitted to injustice. Later, despite having the power to strike his captors dead in an instant, he obeyed the soldiers and carried the cross he would die on. As heartless soldiers were hammering cruel nails through his flesh, our Savior pushed through searing pain to pray compassionately for his torturers, seeking their forgiveness. As his life continued to ebb away, he ministered to the spiritual needs of a thief. Newly risen from the grave, he gave priority to comforting the disciples who denied and deserted him in his time of need. That's how God loves. He has loved us not because we deserve it, nor in response to our love, nor because it is painless, but solely because he has committed himself to loving us. For us to begin to love as God loves us involves loving not because someone loves us or treats us as we should be treated, but simply because we have committed ourselves to love. If Rick were the worst man on earth, or the very best, it would not change your thrilling challenge of rising to your destiny and loving as God has loved you.

No doubt, both Rick and you could list like martyrs the loving things you have done for each other. I commend you, Betty, and I add Scripture’s encouragement to continue and “not become weary in doing good” (Galatians 6:9). I know this is painfully difficult, but it is not merely investing in a marriage. The pain you suffer in continuing to love, is actually spiritual growing pains, the benefits of which will resound to your glory for all eternity. In addition to divine love and persistence, however, we need divine wisdom. Are your attempts really what make Rick feel special or merely what you have wrongly guessed have that effect on him? Especially because men and women are so different, there is usually a vast gulf between a person’s guesses and his/her partner’s reality. Even if you have often guessed correctly, how, in Rick’s mind, do all your positive efforts stack up against the negative vibes he picks up from you? We humans are so sensitive that one negative seems to knock out ten positives.

The rest of your e-mail confirms that you are very upset with Rick’s behavior. This is most understandable. Let’s, however, consider Rick’s reaction. I don’t know how openly you have expressed to him your displeasure, but I doubt you could keep your annoyance so locked within you that he does not sense your bitterness. Almost certainly, he secretly reels in pain because of your low view of him. Does he think you want to go on vacation because you love him so much that you long to be with him every chance you get? I doubt it.

The fact that you are upset with Rick, almost certainly makes him feel a failure as a husband, no matter how much he tries to conceal it. Normal people long to flee situations in which they feel failures. Instead of inspiring him to delight you, your attitude – no matter how “justified” relative to his treatment of you – intensifies his desire to find relationships and situations which make him feel better about himself. His need to feel special in someone’s eyes is as strong as yours, but when he is with you he feels silent – or maybe not so silent – hostility. No wonder when he thinks about a vacation – a time when he wants to feel good – he automatically thinks in terms of being removed from this depressive situation.

Am I right in assuming that you feeling special in Rick’s eyes would involve him spending considerable time with you? And yet your resentment will make spending time with you the very thing he dreads.

The Bible addresses the marital dilemma where one partner has become a Christian and the other remains non-Christian. They are literally a spiritual world apart. The greatest need for change clearly lies with the non-Christian, and yet, astoundingly, even in this situation the Good Book specifically says Christians should not try to change their non-Christian partners. Instead, it says Christians should try even harder to become more Christlike – and thus become even better marriage partners (1 Peter 3:1-4). Pouring all our effort into changing ourselves, God promises, is the effective way to change one’s partner. This annoys us. “It’s my partner who most needs to change!” we protest. Maybe. But not only will a self-righteous attitude destroy a marriage, if we stubbornly refuse to find ways to change, we will even lose the solace of God seeing us as the innocent party as our marriage disintegrates around us. Despite the provocation, Scripture urges us to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

Changing ourselves is our responsibility. To try to change our partner is to abdicate our responsibility.

You are hurting deeply, and there is no way I wish to minimize your pain. I remind you that if I were communicating with Rick, I’d take your side and do all I could to encourage him to change. But I’m not communicating with him, so I can’t help him find ways to improve. I am communicating solely with you, and since no earthly person has reached the point where improvement is impossible, I can only suggest ways in which you could further improve, and help you feel less hurt by giving you a deeper insight into what might be driving Rick to act like he does. If this does not interest you, I sadly confess to having nothing else to offer.

And so my counseling continued.