The Agony & the Benefits of Being a Christian Single
As explained in A Christian Testimony of Celibacy & Agonizing Loneliness, in my early twenties I came to the devastating conclusion that God was challenging me to cease my endless prayers for a girlfriend and to remain single. It was a nightmare I could never wake up from; so horrific that for long periods I wished I had never been born. I ached for God to let me kill myself but I knew he would never approve, so I was forced to keep dragging myself through life.
I had a tortuously strong sex drive. This alone generated intense frustration but there were many other sources of agony. I continually ached for physical contact to be hugged or to hold a womans hand. In addition, my gnawing need for female companionship rendered male friendships as utterly incapable of easing my loneliness as a drop of sea water could temper the craving of someone lost in the desert dying of thirst.
For reasons beyond my understanding, my entire self-esteem hinged on having a girlfriend. My self-esteem was so crushed, however, that I dared not even attempt to ask any woman out because I was convinced I would be rejected. I felt it was obvious to any man or woman who ever laid eyes on me that I was too ugly and pathetic for anyone to be desperate enough to be my girlfriend; much less be willing to marry me. Every cell in my body seemed to scream that because I was single I was abnormal; a freak; a misfit; the ultimate loser. There seemed to be a gigantic chasm inside of me that left me just a shell. I barely felt part of the human race.
Had women shown an interest in me I would still have resolutely followed the lonely path the Lord had chosen for me but, by feeling less rejected, being single would have been less torturous.
From the moment I hit my teens my anguish focused on not having a girlfriend and continued hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade until finally in my mid-fifties, still a virgin, the Lord said it was time for me to marry.
What for almost all my life had been never-ending pain has now ceased but I am sharing this because if I had a thousand lifetimes I would still take the path the Lord had chosen for me. The spiritual treasure my anguish has produced has made it all worthwhile. It is like an athletes years of loneliness, agony and sacrifice that finally produce Olympic gold except that Gods reward far outshines fame and medals. The pain inside me has enabled me to connect with the pain God feels as he agonizes over those he loves, and also to connect with the pain of so many other people who are hurting. Through this connection with the divine and with people who are hurting, the Lord has graciously granted me the undeserved privilege of encouraging, comforting and supporting people who are of infinite importance to God. That privilege makes the costliest sacrifice fade to nothing. You probably do not understand this at present, but I pray that one day you do and then we will rejoice together. For insight into this mystery, please read The Surprising Joy of Trials link at the end of this webpage.
Related Pages:
The Greatest Spiritual Discovery: Dying to Self
Singles: Celebrate your sexuality!
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