Blasphemous Thoughts Testimony

My Thirty-Year Battle with Blasphemous Thoughts

Rose tells of her long battle with blasphemous thoughts. Her testimony shows that through Christ we can win, no matter how black things seem and how prolonged the fight.

It is nearly thirty years ago – when I was twenty years – when I was first bothered by the thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin. My mother and a few other people tried to convince me otherwise, and I would believe them for a while, but I would always go back to thinking I had actually committed this sin. I soon became obsessed with this fear, and could think of little else.

Things soon went from bad to worse. I started getting all manner of terribly evil lies about the Holy Trinity in my head. These disgusting thoughts simply refused to go away. There was also much cursing and swearing directed toward God. It grew so bad that I couldn’t function at work anymore. I had to quit my job and move back home.

I would hang around the house all day, not doing much of anything but crying and trying to fight these thoughts. I started writing letters to God and began acting strangely. I would talk out loud to myself and cry out loud as well. I completely lost my appetite because whenever I went to eat something, I was made to feel guilty.

And then one horrible day, a thought came into my mind, “What if I start believing these lies?”

I apologized to God almost immediately, saying, “Oh Lord, how could I even think such a thought? I could never believe these terrible lies about you.”

But it was too late – the damage was done.

Not too long after, a sarcastic voice started to taunt me. It began murmuring inside my head: “Now you’ve really done it! Now you’re going to believe these lies!”

I started crying and shaking my head, “No, no, I’ll never believe them!” But it seemed the more I protested, the more the thought seemed to take root in my mind. And then it happened. My worst possible nightmare had come true. I didn’t know who God was anymore. I couldn’t tell the difference between the truth and the lies. I wasn’t sure that God was a good God, anymore.

This terrified me. I thought I was doomed and on my way to hell. But I thought I had at least to try to fight these lies and defend what I believed in. So I would read passages from the Bible and try to prove to myself that God was good. Some days I would know who God was again, but other days would be filled with doubts and self-loathing.

Finally, about six months after this all started, I decided that I had to snap out of it. I couldn’t take it anymore; it was driving me crazy. I decided the only option was to stop thinking about God altogether.

Day by day, little by little, I began to force myself to take an interest in what was going on around me, and to put God out of my mind as much as possible.

And I think I was fairly successful in doing this. Over the years, whenever I thought about the Lord, it wasn’t too long before the terrible thoughts would come back again. Whenever this happened I would say, “I’m sorry, Lord, I just can’t think of you.” And then once again, I would push him out of my mind.

This, I’m ashamed to admit, was more of a convenience than anything. I didn’t really want God in my life, anyway. I was more interested in drinking and partying, and since I knew that God wouldn’t approve of this life style, it was better that he was out of the picture. I used to drink a lot because I was very shy and it helped me be more social. But it was also to numb the pain I was feeling. I always thought that some day, when I was older, I would return to God but not now while I was trying to have a “good” time. So for the next fifteen years or so, I hardly thought about God at all, except maybe when I wanted something.

It wasn’t until I was going through a particularly rough time in my life, that I decided I needed him. One day I said, “Lord, I don’t want to do it on my own anymore, please come back into my life.” I immediately sensed God’s love, and felt that he was pleased with my decision.

At first, things were great. I felt very close to God and, although I was still drinking at the time, I felt that God was on my side, and that my life was headed in the right direction.

It wasn’t too long, however, before those horrifically blasphemous thoughts about God started creeping back. They kept getting worse and worse and I was helpless to stop them. Soon they were occupying my thoughts day and night. They were at their worst first thing in the morning. When I woke up, my mind would be flooded with all manners of disgusting thoughts about the Holy Trinity. They were the vilest lies anyone could think of about God. They attacked the very essence of him – his goodness. I was horrified, especially now that I wanted him back in my life. I wanted to die, rather than listen to any more of these blasphemous lies about God.

After experiencing God’s love for me again there was no way now that I could just forget about God, like I had in the past. I didn’t want to forget about him. I didn’t want to live without him!

The thoughts terrified me. I would cry out to God, “Why won’t you help me?”

When the lies about God wouldn’t stop, I would get mad at God. Sometimes I would even conjure up the evil thoughts on my own, and then would laugh hysterically, almost as if I were trying to shock him into healing me saying, “See! This is what happens, when you won’t heal me.”

But the worst was yet to come. Soon I began to have all manner of doubts about the Holy Trinity and the Bible. I felt like I didn’t know who God was anymore, not even whether he was good or bad. This, I felt, was the most horrible betrayal of all. I thought this was as close to the unpardonable sin as one could ever get. I felt like the worst sinner alive. And I can’t even bring myself to tell you of a lie I suffered that is even more evil (if that even seems possible).

Deep down, however, I knew that God was good, and I would chant over and over in my mind, like a mantra: “God is so good. Just look at the world and how beautiful it is. An unholy God couldn’t make such a beautiful world. That’s how I know that God is good.”

But I still wasn’t sure that God was good. I also had doubts about Jesus really being the Son of God and dying on the cross for our sins. I would read all the verses in the Old Testament that prophesied about Jesus, over and over. And then I would try to force myself to believe. But my mind somehow couldn’t seem to grasp any of this. I was spiritually blind to the truth.

During these periods of disbelief in God, the lies would dwindle away to almost nothing. It was only when I was able to believe in God, that they would start up again full force. So either I believed in God, but I would be tormented by the evil lies day and night, or I didn’t know who God was, and the persecution would ease up considerably. It was a continual cycle.

To believe in the Lord was the most important thing in the world to me. I so desperately wanted to believe, but I couldn’t seem to hold on my faith for long. I would believe for a while, but I would always be worried that my faith would be snatched away from me. And whenever I believed, I would always be checking myself to make sure that I really did believe. I would wake up in the morning and would ask myself if I believed, and then I would tell myself something like, “Yes, I do believe. I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. God is a good God.” I had to reassure myself continuously that my faith was still there.

Sunday mornings at church, I would think if only I could just soak up all the faith that I felt from the congregation around me. I felt that if only I could believe like these people, I wouldn’t ask for a thing more. When people would complain about any hardship they were facing, I wanted to say to them, “Yes, but you believe. You don’t know how lucky you are to believe!”

I had no one to talk to about this. I was too ashamed to ask my minister for help. I would try to tell my mother or a Christian friend about what I was going through, but neither of them seemed to understand. They would both ask what I meant by “lies,” but they were such repulsive thoughts against God that I seemed unable to force myself to repeat them to anyone. I felt I was pretty much on my own with this.

But then one day, I happened to come across this website you are reading, and I read. And after reading Grantley’s article on the unpardonable sin and the testimonies that followed, I was never again bothered by the thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I finally got it! Even when I didn’t know that God was good, I knew that it wasn’t really God that was in the wrong, it was me.

I truly believe that reading Grantley’s article was the beginning of my healing. This is not to say I was by any means healed overnight. I still had, at times, terrible doubts about the Lord and still suffered sometimes from the blasphemous thoughts, but at least I wasn’t haunted by the thought that I was unforgivable.

About five years have passed since then. And it’s only been about the last six months, where I can honestly say that I am healed once and for all of this terrible sickness. In fact, up until then, I was reading up on other faiths, just to make sure that there wasn’t a different way to find God.

Today, the blasphemous thoughts are gone. But what’s even better, I don’t fear that these lies will ever come back again or that I will lose my faith. This fear would always lead to my downfall in the past. My faith would be restored, but there was always that little spot of fear at the very back of my mind that I would lose my faith again at any moment. By worrying about it, I wasn’t trusting God at all. Today though, my mind is crystal clear and my heart is set, and I know whose side I am on. Better yet, God is on my side.

I share this testimony because I want people suffering with this type of illness to know that as long as you believe in Christ’s power to forgive all sin, then you have nothing to fear. God is so loving, and even though it might not always seem that way at the time, he only wants what is best for you.

Rose updates her testimony:

I first wrote to you about six years ago about the unpardonable sin.

I have lost my job for over three years now. I have Multiple Sclerosis and problems with my balance, as well as muscle weakness. So since I was working at a factory and standing all day, they were worried I was going to fall and hurt myself. But I am not complaining. In spite of it all, I am feeling great. I believe in my Lord and Savior, and that is the most important thing in my life. God is wonderful!

I had to write, because I was enjoying reading the New Testament yesterday morning when I thought of how lucky I was to be able to read my Bible like this, and how much I thanked God for healing me. I recall when I would try to read my Bible, and couldn’t read anything except the Psalms. Sometimes I would drop my Bible in horror, when I had the blasphemous thoughts. But now it so wonderful to be able to think about God and praise him, and I just wanted to thank him for all he’s done for me.

Comment by Grantley

“I felt very close to God,” wrote Rose about an early stage in her spiritual battle. The weakness in her testimony is mention of such feelings and the fact that she is no longer tormented by repulsive thoughts about God. The real heroes are those who continue to be plagued by guilt feelings and disgusting thoughts but keep clinging to Christ regardless and stubbornly refuse to let it in any way hinder a beautiful relationship with God. They are the ones who receive Heaven’s standing ovation. An easy life is no more a measure of spiritual success than being fat and lazy is a measure of athletic prowess.

Important:
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