Condemned by Hebrews 10:26
Hope When There is No Hope

Hebrews 10:26-29 For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses: Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace? (KJV)

A woman confesses to apparently supernaturally receiving condemning Scriptures proving her to be an enemy of God beyond the forgiving power of Christ’s sacrifice. As if confirming her damnation, this sent her mental state deteriorating alarmingly for years, until finally her breakthrough commenced.

Memorable Quotes From this Webpage

The Crisis

“I had gone to the Word to find answers and comfort, yet all I found was one of the most condemning and fearful words that God ever recorded.”

“I gripped at my blanket as great pains and cries seared through me. I felt the weight of darkness, hopelessness, utter black. It was as if a chasm of eternity separated me from God.”

“In a matter of six weeks I lost twenty pounds and no one could figure out what was happening to me. Nor could I!”

“My thoughts became utterly despicable. I could not stop them. It seemed that my heart was cursing God over and over. At brief moments I would have a spark of sanity, but for the next year and a half I did nothing else but cry out to God. The mental torment was beyond description.”

“My heart never stopped pounding for weeks. If I spoke, people could recognize the fear in my quivering voice. I had given up hoping this condition would ever change. I could not find peace in life, and to choose death just meant that hell would come quicker.”

“There was a force inside that would not allow belief to stick. It was like one of those dreams where you are trying to run but your legs won’t carry you.”

The Breakthrough

“I have found a new peace with God that is not based on my feelings, but solely on his Word. And when even Scripture seems to condemn me, I think of the cross. . . . When Satan attacks, I am more armed with Scripture, and have gained a better understanding of the haunting verses that would have previously torn me to pieces.”

“What kind of a God would withhold salvation to a soul so desperate to receive it? Not our God! He is mighty to save, and I know he saved me (and is saving me). I must cling to his promises and rest solely in grace through faith in Christ alone. Yes, I did have a wayward walk, full of hypocrisy and deceit. . . . Instead of wishing I had remained in Christ from the start, I need to embrace what God can do with any one of his children, even with their disobedient journeys. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.”

Full Testimony

Three years ago I dealt with a spiritual oppression and darkness that produced shocks of suffering that I feared would never end. I remember thinking that if I ever “got better” I wanted to share my testimony on this website in the hope that it would minister to another burdened soul on this earth. I am so grateful for this website, and for the Lord leading me to find it.

It wasn’t until I was a young teenager that I was told the Gospel and believed. I remember crying to Jesus to forgive and save me. For about three years I thought of Jesus continually and developed a relationship with him. However, I did not stay on that path. I chose to leave the only Christian community I knew in order to chase the world. I started drinking and having fun. It lasted for the next ten years. I still went to Church (sometimes hung-over). I dated a strong Christian for years, but often drank behind his back. Eventually I told him I wanted to be more involved in church and I wanted Christian friends (my friends at the time were known for being “party” girls). He helped me join a Bible Study. I was trying to seek the Lord, but my heart was also seeking after the flesh and I would continue to party until a few years after graduation.

During that whole time I claimed the title of a “Christian,” but there was an obvious contradiction. I continually justified sinful behavior and my faith was largely hypocrisy. I was so off the path that I just could not seem to trust God’s ways, so I had confidence in my own choices instead. Slowly I was spiraling down. I knew the better way, but I would not choose it fully. There is that saying that we have two dogs in us that are always battling; a good dog and a bad dog. And people ask, “What dog wins?” The answer is, “Whichever one you feed.” Well, I fed the bad dog. And before long I was on anti-depressants and had completely fallen apart.

My boyfriend and I broke up. I barely knew God at all. I was depressed, hardened, confused. I immersed myself in work, friends and beer, over-eating, and just about anything else that had nothing to do with the Lord.

About two years later, in his wonderful mercy, God graciously whispered to my soul that he was worth knowing and pursuing and loving. I finally saw through the lies and turned back to God. He immediately provided everything I needed. I was given new and wonderful Christian friends. I was in a solid Bible Study with amazing, godly women who served the Lord and truly loved him. I was offered a new job that tremendously helped my faith grow. It took some time, but the Lord took away so many of the desires I once had for popularity, drinking and worldly success. I experienced so much light and transformation. I was serving, loved my church, and was madly in love with my Savior. Life had never been better. I was so filled with the Spirit that I would often sob tears of joy.

Confusion

After a few years, Satan began creeping into my life and had me confused about my salvation. When did I get saved? As a teenager? Would my life have gone down that path of sin had I truly been a believer? Why hadn’t I had a grand transformation? Was this new faith and new “me” just behavior modification? These thoughts were constant, but they did not bring me down. It was merely a tactic of Satan that the Lord used for good. It prompted more time in Scripture, prayer, and seeking the Lover of my soul. I had my questions and doubts, but was happy to speak to my Lord about them, and ask for clarity. Many times he gave it to me. I knew he was working in my life. I saw many evidences of it.

One time I had been seeking the assurance of God’s grace through prayer. In the middle of the night I woke up instantly to a voice speaking very clearly. It said, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” I laid there in wonder and fear and curiosity. I was still half asleep. I did, however, ask the Lord if that was him. (The phrase was familiar but I could not recall whether it was a popular saying or from Scripture.) I fell back to sleep without an answer and woke up not even remembering this event. That morning when I arrived at work, my sweet Christian friend stopped in my office to chat, as we did this most mornings. Out of nowhere she said to me, “For some reason God’s words, ‘Love keeps no record of wrongs,’ keeps coming to me.” Immediately I remembered being awakened in the night. I asked her if that was a Bible verse. She said it was from Corinthians. Oh yes! I remembered that! The God of love declares that love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV – Other Versions). And he has set it in black and white for the whole world to see. I praised the Lord for his amazing love and grace, and for being so tender and intimate with me in this way.

Doubts Deepen

However, Satan was at work as well, and his tactics grew stronger and stronger. My doubts began to deepen. Scripture began to haunt me. I began questioning God’s love for me (again), but for the most part, my questions to other people were normal (“Do you ever have doubts that you are saved?” etc.), and many times I’d get the reply, “Oh, I have wondered the same things.”

In October of 2009, I literally watched my uncle pass from life to death. I was so distraught at the look in his eyes that I was unable to cry or react to what I had just seen. My unfading thought was, “Where is he now?” Although he expressed knowledge of Jesus, I had doubts that he was a saved man, and I still wondered if I was saved. I wanted a definite answer for my own soul, so I went home, opened up my Bible, and my eyes instantly fell upon Hebrews 10:26-27, “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.” I had gone to the Word to find answers and comfort, yet all I found was one of the most condemning and fearful words that God ever recorded.

I don’t know how to accurately convey what befell me at the moment of reading that verse. In a matter of seconds, I was completely paralyzed on my couch. The physical effects that fear manifests consumed me; the heaviness, sweats, inability to speak, the tingly sensation on every inch of my body, the piercing silence . . . You name it; I was its victim. I lay as prey on that sofa. The next thing I recall was throwing my body across my bed and groaning. I gripped at my blanket as great pains and cries seared through me. I felt the weight of darkness, hopelessness, utter black. It was as if a chasm of eternity separated me from God. There was not one molecule of light in an expanse of eternal blackness. Every sin, every blasphemous thought, every weakness, my impurities, self-righteousness; my whole life lay bare before me. And in that place, that moment, I knew that NOTHING in this world could ever save me from what I deserved, nothing but Jesus Christ. I knew in that moment that I was a sinner – not because I committed sins, but because that is what I was. I wailed every last drop of repentant thought to God and screamed aloud for his forgiveness. “What have I done?!” This mantra of words in my head kept repeating and repeating and repeating. I don’t know how long this lasted; all I do know is I found zero relief. And without that relief, I was certain that it was because God had disapproved of me, and I was forever condemned.

All the sexual sins of my past and party days were brought to my attention. Over and over Satan told me that I was not forgiven. These sins count against me. He used that verse to prove it was true. I had kept on sinning after knowing Jesus. And in black texts were the words from God that proved that no more sacrifice was left. I was truly going to hell.

God did not rescue me. It seemed as though he left me right there, in that spot, and with that frame of mind for months to come. I believed that I had repented, but my feelings did not change and no rescue came from my Lord. This condition remained for countless, unrelenting and horrendous days. In a matter of six weeks I lost twenty pounds and no one could figure out what was happening to me. Nor could I! (I was too ashamed and fearful to admit the blasphemous thoughts and doubts of salvation and God’s love) so I did everything in my power to act normal and put on a smile.

At times I would talk to my friends about what I was feeling or thinking, but I down-played it tremendously. My thoughts became utterly despicable. I could not stop them. It seemed that my heart was cursing God over and over. At brief moments I would have a spark of sanity, but for the next year and a half I did nothing else but cry out to God. The mental torment was beyond description. I knew that God’s Word was true. I believed Jesus was Savior, and Lord of Lords and King of Kings. I still believed God was love. He claims to be, so I believed him, but at the same time I didn’t believe because I just didn’t think he was those things for me, and so could not believe he would forgive me. There was a force inside that would not allow belief to stick. It was like one of those dreams where you are trying to run but your legs won’t carry you – you know how to run, but it just became impossible. That is how my thoughts were. I knew what I believed and what was true, but I could not get those thoughts to stick in my mind. It was like they bounced off some empty cavity in my brain and then eroded away.

I once heard a man say that his eyes were opened to the spiritual world and he saw demons; some the size of buildings. I was certain that if my predicament was caused by that dominion, my demon was the size of a skyscraper. But worse, if the torment was just my wicked and depraved heart and mind, I was beyond all hope and out of the realm of forgiveness and an eternity with the One I loved (yet now believing that perhaps I didn’t love him, or never did). And what did that matter since I thought myself to be unpardonable?

Things Worsen

Early in the mornings I was so certain that the sun was not going to rise. I would wait and wait for light to shine on this world. I feared that it had truly stopped because of me. I eventually became a hermit, for the most part. I still went to work, but as soon as the day was done, I would drive home and get in bed and read anything I could to find relief. My bed was covered with books and commentaries. If I did open my Bible, I would read anything, and it afflicted me. It was so intense that I thought I was the great prostitute mentioned in Revelation. God says that he will come when you least expect him to, so I thought he had already returned and I was left in this prison of hell forever.

My whole physical being was consumed by the torment. I had dry, cotton mouth every day. My heart never stopped pounding for weeks. If I spoke, people could recognize the fear in my quivering voice. I had given up hoping this condition would ever change. I could find no peace in life, and to choose death just meant that hell would come quicker. Many nights I would just say, “The Lord is my Shepherd,” over and over until I fell asleep. Even those words, and that act, gave me no respite; just more fear, since the Great Shepherd clearly was not mine.

I eventually went to counseling at church. It was unsuccessful. I had been prayed over numerous times. A friend of my mother’s tried casting out demons. I tried other counselors and therapists. I was still acting very nonchalant about the severity of what I was really going through, so what I portrayed to other people looked very different from my reality. I thought maybe I had a brain tumor so I went to a medical doctor and mentioned that I had extreme anxiety, heart palpitations, and weight loss. The doctor thought it could be a contribution from my thyroid. It was not. I talked to my pastor about that verse in Hebrews (when of course by this time I had read every commentary on it) and he reassured me that verse did not apply to me. I disagreed and found no comfort in his counsel.

I had considered checking myself in to a facility. I could not take it anymore. But then the thought of being trapped in one stopped me. Soon after, in desperation, I ran out of my workplace to an Urgent Care Center and refused leave without something that would ease my anxiety. Medication was the last thing I wanted to do, but for close to a year I had held on but, it seemed to no avail. If God was not going to come through and deliver me, then I would try medication in the hope of at least functioning better, and perhaps my uncontrollable thoughts would stop.

After just a few days, the medication did wonders to help. I felt a little more in control of my mind. My thoughts seemed less intrusive and I actually did social things with some friends. However, the fear of being on medication began to reach new heights so I discontinued them.

Relief Short-Lived

Whenever I would think my doubts and thoughts were improving, something else would happen. One day, while I was home alone, I felt an eerie presence. I was not feeling safe. It was a beautiful day so I went outside to be in some light and feel the fresh air (I often disliked being outdoors anymore because every speck of creation reminded me that it was God’s – the God who couldn’t love me – and it only added to my fears). While outside I happened to glance up on the roof and saw about fifteen black buzzards lined up next to each other. Their wings were all outstretched. It was as if they were hovering over my home like evil spirits to torment me. I went back inside, still so desperate, and I opened my Bible and read some verse in Isaiah that mentioned ravens and buzzards and dry land and terrifying judgment for God’s enemies (which, of course I thought I was). What are the chances of opening a Bible and your eyes landing on that?! I believe a demon must have had his finger in place, eager for me to open God’s Word at that precise spot. I called a friend and went right over. I said I was afraid to be alone (but gave her some silly made-up reason why) and laughed it off.

I wanted to be anyone but me. I was certain that no soul on earth had ever experienced anything quite like this, or was as sinful as me. I had read testimonies about doubt and fears, but they were all light and easy readings. I read about Bunyan and was thrilled he was a man who mentioned similar things, but he had deliverance in an instant. Where was mine? So no matter what, even testimonies condemned me.

Hope At Last

That was until I found the testimonies on this website! It was the first time I felt some relief. I felt comfort knowing that I was not alone and that some believers had related experiences. I could identify with others, FINALLY. I read testimony after testimony. I printed out pages and pages of Grantley’s writings, and read them over and over and over. Every spare minute I would read scriptures on forgiveness, grace, and love, and even though my brain would not “connect” to anything, I still read it. I never felt any different, but Grantley, author of these net-burst.com webpages, reassured me that faith is not a feeling. I had to base everything on what God says. If as the Bible keeps saying, he forgives; if the God of love keeps no record of wrongs, then he could still forgive me. For so long, this website is what got me functioning again.

It has been a very slow recovery. I still battle doubts and fears, but looking back, I know these fears and doubts were from Satan because now my mind cannot even conceive of many of those thoughts. I cannot come up with them on my own! They must have been planted there by a force so strong and so evil.

Gently and gradually, the Lord has delivered me. Praise God. That dark time in my life is not something I’ve come to understand fully. Nevertheless, I am eternally grateful that through it the Lord revealed to me the self-righteousness I had (and still fight). He revealed to me the utter depravity of my soul and my desperate need for him as Savior. I know that I cannot earn anything from God. It’s all Jesus, or nothing. I cannot contribute to what he did, but my flesh still thinks in terms that I can. I still fight the worry that I have not found that narrow way that he says only a few find. In other words, I still have to resist slipping into to the mistaken belief that the way is created by me, not by him.

Nevertheless, I have found a new peace with God that is not based on my feelings, but solely on his Word. And when even Scripture seems to condemn me, I think of the cross. The OCD thoughts and obsessions have mostly disappeared. When Satan attacks, I am more armed with Scripture, and have gained a better understanding of the haunting verses that would have previously torn me to pieces.

What kind of a God would withhold salvation to a soul so desperate to receive it? Not our God! He is mighty to save, and I know he saved me (and is saving me). I must cling to his promises and rest solely in grace through faith in Christ alone. Yes, I did have a wayward walk, full of hypocrisy and deceit. It took a long time to start dying to self, putting off sin, and living for the one who gave himself for me. Instead of lamenting that I had remained in Christ from the start, I need to embrace what God can do with any one of his children, even with their disobedient journeys. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Although I relate so well to Jars of Clay when they sing, “It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me,” I hope to never go back to that place of unbelief again. May the Lord graciously assist me in my heart’s desires to press forward, glorifying his Almighty Name, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Grantley’s Comment

I was thrilled about how effective medication was for this dear woman. Usually, medication takes longer before it begins to help, and often it is necessary to try several classes of medication until the most effective one for the particular individual is found. It is sadly ironic, however, that her anxiety manifested itself in an irrational fear of the very thing that was helping to lower her anxiety.

If you worry about taking anti-depressants, despite them helping, I urge you to persist with taking them under medical supervision. To refuse medication is as irrational as someone with a vitamin deficiency refusing to take extra vitamins. The very fact that medication helps, is confirmation that the problem has a physical component to it.

Here’s a Scripture that has much to teach us:

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

To worry about one’s salvation is to be tempted to doubt God’s love and the power of Christ’s sacrifice. The above Scripture makes no promise that God will remove the temptation; only that God will provide (it is up to us to avail ourselves of that provision) the way that will enable us to “stand up under it.” We will still be “under it” but we will survive. Likewise, medication will not eliminate the temptation; it will merely reduce the temptation to levels that are a little easier to resist. God provided the “way out” in the form of medication. If we are too proud or fearful to accept God’s “way out” there is no guarantee that he will provide an additional one, even though he eventually did for this woman. Remember the story of the man forced on to the roof because of rising flood waters. A boat and then a helicopter came to rescue him but he refused, certain that God would rescue him. Finally he drowned, went to heaven, and complained that God had not rescued him, only to discover that it was God who had sent the boat and the helicopter.

To be too proud to take God’s “way out” of medication would be like leprous Naaman being too proud to dip in the River Jordan in order to receive God’s healing (2 Kings 5:1-14). On the other hand, to take medication is to boldly step out in faith, affirming that God is not behind the doubts and that anything that helps fight doubt is pleasing to God.

You Need More
To be haunted by guilt feelings, spiritual worries and repulsive thoughts is like trying to drive safely through trafficin the midst of continual distractions. This website has the vast number of webpages you need in order to stay focused. Read them daily.

Not to be sold. © Copyright, 2012 Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site www.net-burst.com Freely you have received, freely give.