The following is from Collins e-mail, responding to this website. Of course, it is shared with his permission.
Grantley Morris
Founder of net-burst.com and ghostwriter of these testimonies
I have struggled with Religious OCD my entire life and had never heard of the term until I read your website today. God has been preparing me to read your webpage, and it brings me much peace. God has used your words to mark an important point in my life.
Gods grace is amazing, and nothing is impossible with him. He has even been able to use me to help a pastor who has been considering leaving the ministry because of Religious OCD.
Earlier, God led me to 2 Corinthians 1:3-6, where Paul says we are put through affliction in order to be a comfort to others, just like Jesus was. I have seen my OCD hurt me in the past with relationship issues, seeking out the perfect mate rather than being thankful for the amazing girl God has placed in my life, but for my entire life I have struggled with extreme guilt and lack of assurance about salvation. Recently the enemy has been attacking me tremendously, but God indeed can use the bad to bring about good, because nothing is impossible with him. I believe this disorder will end up not for my discouragement but for my joy, because God will be able to get that much more glory through the grace he gives me.
God also led me to another passage in 2 Corinthians, this time chapter 12. The way God has been revealing things to me, has made me feel strongly that Pauls thorn in the flesh may have been some type of psychological disorder, especially in the light of Romans 7, but that isnt my point here. My point is that God chooses those of us who are weak to lead the strong, and I have chosen to accept my weakness with Religious OCD because when I am weak Gods power can be shown through me in an even greater way.
I am studying Pre-med and I am about to embark on a missions trip to South America with a focus on medical missions. I hope someday to be a missionary doctor, and I know it strikes fear in the enemy for me to be going on my first missions trip.
Just three days before I was to share my testimony before the missions team, I reached the lowest point in my entire life. I had a nervous breakdown, with my amazing girlfriend at my side comforting me. The enemy had filled me up with so many lies through my OCD that I felt not only incapable of going on the trip, but not even sure of my salvation once again. But one thing that stands true in my life is expressed in my favorite song of praise to God, Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fails
I came to my breaking point, but the Holy Spirit brought Job to my mind. When all had been stripped from Job, he still chose to love God. I wonder if the enemy had claimed that I would only love God when I felt peace and assurance, just like he claimed Job would only serve God when God blessed him.
To the enemys disappointment, in that low place I cried out to God. My prayer was very simple because it was all I had left in my strength to say, but I told God that I loved him even when I had no peace or assurance. Even when the feeling of comfort was stripped from me, I would choose to look to God.
From there God began to speak to me as I waited in my own weakness for him. There is a lot of truths God showed me in this time and I hope to live out 2 Corinthians 1 in helping others with comfort.
God can take any bad situation and turn it into something good. He actually encouraged me through this in that I now know Im in his will. Someone once said if you are not colliding head-on with the devil, then you must both be going the same way. I know the enemy has attacked me because God seeks to do something for his glory through my life. So I make a choice to be encouraged by this attack on my mind.
I also find comfort in realizing that it is the enemy attacking through my disorder, just like he tempted Jesus. Significantly, the first words out of Satans mouth attacked Jesus identity. If you are the Son of God . . . prove it, is basically what he was saying. However, Jesus chose not to give in. He realized he had nothing to prove to Satan, even though he could. I believe Satan does the same to us. If you are the child of God . . ., he says, prove it by doing this and this and this. He attacks our identity, because he knows we will be obsessed with proving it to ourselves. But the fact is we cant prove ourselves to be Gods children by how we act, because we are sinners and we are imperfect, and Satan knows he will win when we focus on our own acts. Instead, we need to focus on the actions of Jesus.
I once wrote, Our salvation does not depend on us, it depends on the work of Jesus: in the past when we first chose him as our Savior, in the present as he transforms us through his Spirit, and in the future when we are welcomed into heaven.
The devil often messes with my mind, trying to make salvation complicated, but I must remind myself that we each have control over whether we choose to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and that salvation is simply choosing Jesus because we understand we are in need of him, and within that need it is understood that we are sinners.
Nevertheless, every time I try to do my devotions Im hit with fears and doubts. Every time I try to pray I am immediately consumed with thoughts that my faith is not enough. My time with God used to be so refreshing. Now it seems so hard to sit down and dive into Gods word for direction and growth.
One logical way I approach the salvation problem is this: Gods voice is much different than the enemys. The enemys lies bring fear and more anxiety. But Romans 8:14-15 says that God is our Abba Father our Daddy. He is not harsh, judgmental or scary, but tender and compassionate, as the worlds best father toward a little child. Once we can recognize it is the enemy attacking, not God, we can logically realize that if we were not saved, Satan would not try to get us to worry about whether we are saved. On the contrary, if we were not saved he would want us to go on with life thinking we were saved.
I still feel a tremendous need to be introspective and to search for areas of sin that need to be worked on, but lately God has been showing me that this is not my job but the Holy Spirits. I need to remember to not be self-absorbed. I have been challenged to be still and know that he is God, and his ways are so much greater than mine. I struggle to have faith and to let go of control in my mind.
I must struggle to focus on the facts, not the feelings. As Billy Graham always said, it goes in this order: FACTS then FAITH then FEELINGS. If they come at all, feelings come last and are of little consequence. Though I am still taunted by feelings of fear deep inside, I cling to the triumphant FACT that my Savior died for the ungodly. The enemy can bombard my mind and feelings with anxiety, but I must choose to focus on the facts and realize that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead, giving him victory over death and sin, is within me (Romans 8:11).
This is Not Enough
As a physical therapist prescribes specific daily exercises in order to heal, I must prescribe daily reading of these webpages. There is a vast range to choose from but it should include:
and all the pages the above links leads to.
Theres Still More: C. H. Spurgeon Confessed To Blasphemous Thoughts
