An abuse survivor e-mailed me saying how she seemed to attract men who want to exploit her. On the other hand, good people seemed to run from her. Tragically, this is the common experience of abuse survivors, whether they be men or women. I had often puzzled as to why this is.

The woman sent me a couple of photos of herself and suddenly I understood. No, she was not dressed to seduce.

The reply I sent her was a little gentler than the following, but here is the essence of what I said:

Your photos, though nice, give the impression that you are sad, shy, lacking in confidence and aching for love. An evil man might look at those photos and think to himself, “I bet her self-esteem is so low that she thinks no decent guy would want her. Her need for love and for a boost in self-esteem seem so great that if I let her think that I could meet these needs, she would be so scared of losing me that she would give me anything I want, no matter how perverted. If I initially treat her tenderly and kindly and flatter her, I’ll have a good chance of turning her into little more than my slave. Then I could treat her however I wish.”

If, on the other hand, a man saw you as happy, confident and relatively content, he’d assume you are quite choosy as to who you relate to and how far you would go. He’d assume you have none of the desperation that pressures some women to compromise their morals to get the love they crave. Anyone with evil intentions would be likely to back off and look for someone who seems more vulnerable.

Not only could this be a factor in men with evil intent being attracted to you, it could cause good men (or good women with a lesbian weakness) to feel tempted to try to get their way with you. Because they are honorable, they are likely to run from you, fearing that if they stayed close to you they might yield to that temptation.

Regardless of how resistant to sexual pressure they really are, people with low self-esteem and who crave love give the impression that they are vulnerable to exploitation and/or seduction. Upon finding such a person, immoral people feel emboldened to test their suspicion that they have found someone they could seduce.

People lacking in self-esteem are likely to mistakenly believe that sex – not their personality – is their only way of winning the love they desperately need. They fall for the horrible lie that their only chance of receiving even an illusion of the love they crave is to yield to sexual advances. This makes them highly vulnerable. So intense is the pressure, that they need far superior self-control than what other people need in order to remain sexually pure. Moreover, abuse survivors are strongly tempted to accept the lie that because they have been mistreated before, they have little purity left to protect.

As if these strong pressures were not enough, abuse survivors find resisting an evil man much harder than other people find it because they have suffered the past horror of having done everything possible to resist and yet still being overpowered. Having suffered situations in which resistance was impossible causes them to lose hope that they could ever successfully prevent anyone from exploiting them. They become convinced that any attempt to resist would be a futile waste of effort. Sexual predators know this, so they are on the look out for abuse survivors.

A tragically large number of abuse survivors have mistakenly thought that perhaps they have low morals or are evil or that God is against them, since that they seem to attract sexual predators. This is most certainly not so. The thought is so obviously incorrect that, theoretically, there should be no need to deny it. Sadly, it needs to be spelled out because sexual offenders are skilled at cruelly manipulating tender consciences, causing their victims to have a mistaken view of themselves. The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting, and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target.

If sexual predators imagine they have a chance with you, it means nothing. Simply by refusing their advances, you can prove them wrong.

A woman responded to this webpage with the following e-mail:

I see myself in that article. I see myself as nice, shy, and looking for love, and have recently started a relationship with a man that has given me attention, and constant compliments. The relationship turned sexual and I almost feel that he can have me do anything, even things I would normally say no to. How can I stop this bad relationship and boost my self-esteem? I have tried to end it before and have not had the strength to, and did not want to live without the warmth and “love” he has give to me.

With great concern, I immediately replied:

This is serious. Saying no and afterward giving in is exactly the sort of behavior can turn a man into a sexual predator. You are training him not to take, “No!” to be no, but to mean, “Try harder and I’ll say yes.” I fear for you. It is vital that you muster the willpower to completely cut off all contact with this man. If that involves changing phone number, email address, etc., then do it. Have not a thing to do with him. It is just too dangerous. Moreover, if you were to marry him you would be condemning both him and yourself to continuous torment because you have not yet healed from your past sexual abuse.

This is too serious to wait until you grow in self-esteem. With regard to that matter, however, see How to Change Your Self-Image

With regard to mustering will-power, please read, Death Blow to Addiction



Knowing why the wrong sort of people might try to exploit you can be a relief. There is nothing wrong with you, other than the simple fact that you are hurting. I am sure what you really want to know, however, is how to prevent this attention. It’s easy to say that self-esteem, confidence and feeling loved is the answer, but the difficulty is knowing how to grow in these things. The pages listed in How Much Does God Love Me? Your Personal Revelation of God’s Love will greatly help, but for them to be effective you will need to prayerfully read them over and over again, letting the truth sink deep into your heart.



 

More:

Why Bad Things Keep Happening To Some People

There’s Hope! A Sane Guide to Finding Hope When There is No Hope



Essential Reading

Vital Help For Both Genders

The above is just part of a series of free webpages devoted to the full recovery of survivors of all forms of sexual interference. It is essential that you read Comfort, Understanding and Healing for Abuse Survivors for an overview and links to the other critically important pages.

Personalized support

E-mail Grantley Morris, the author of these webpages: healing@net-burst.com