Why Bad Things Keep Happening
To Some People

To restrain a baby elephant, circus trainers must chain it to a huge stake driven into the ground. When the baby grows into an adult, however, it is many times smarter and stronger. What trainers must then drive into the ground is just a tiny tent peg.

The baby had tried everything to break free. It had strained with all its might, pulling in every conceivable way, hour after hour, day after day. The huge stake refused to budge. So, rather than mindlessly keep trying to do the impossible, it did what at the time was the intelligent thing: it gave up trying.

The baby grew into a powerful beast. Convinced by bitter experience that whenever it is tethered there is no point trying to resist, it never bothered to determine whether anything had changed. So it suffers indignities, even though, if only it could grasp the fact, it could easily rip up the peg and trample those who sought to dominate it.

As an adult, it finds itself bound not by a stake but by a powerful psychological force. This powerful force has been given several names, one of which is ‘Learned Helplessness.’ It has been the subject of much research by psychologists because, in one form or another, it binds millions of people. It is a factor – sometimes the full reason – in the peculiar tendency of many of us to be plagued by what seems to be bad luck, year after year.

Consider, for example, the heart-wrenching fact that even after growing into adults, survivors of child sex abuse often find themselves staggering from one abusive relationship to another. Like the baby elephant, abuse survivors once found themselves in a situation in which escape was impossible. No matter how hard they tried, nothing they could do could free them from humiliation at the hands of those who sought to dominate them. Now they are older and have more options, but the devastating effect of their past ordeal is so crippling that if ever they find themselves in a slightly similar situation, it is exceedingly difficult for them to believe they could break free. No one convinced that resistance is useless has much chance of resisting with all his or her might.

Learned helplessness is so horrific that experiments have usually been restricted to animals, and even then scientists felt the need to explain that they did it only in a quest to find a way of curing learned helplessness in humans. In one such study, scientists designed a dog enclosure, divided by a low barrier, one side of which was uncomfortable. Dogs quickly learned to cross the barrier to the more pleasant side. With new dogs, however, both sides of the barrier felt uncomfortable, so crossing the barrier achieved nothing. Conditions were then changed so that these dogs, like the first ones, could avoid discomfort by crossing the barrier. Yet the dogs never learned to do so. Having been subjected to a no-win situation had rendered this second group of dogs incapable of discovering the simple way to avoid the discomfort. Even in their home cages they seemed lethargic and dejected.

Like the elephant, the dogs had had driven out of them their natural tendency to try to escape. So when placed in a situation where they could easily escape, they never make the discovery that escape is now possible.

We often find ourselves in similar predicaments. First, we suffer a number of failures in very difficult or impossible circumstances. afterward, when something changes to make success quite possible, we are in grave danger of remaining in defeat simply because we do not recognize that the situation is different to the one that defeated us. So extensive is this phenomenon that there is a vast array of examples. Here are a few:

Sexual Abuse

Consider an adult survivor of child sex abuse. When faced with a new situation involving a sexually aggressive male, she cannot help seeing a similarity to her past situation in which escape was impossible. At the very thought, she is likely to be overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness, just like she felt years before. Although in this new situation she is able to successfully resist, all power to do so will seem to drain as she recalls the futility of her past attempts to avoid abuse.

Addiction

Suppose an addict is utterly dominated by his addiction. Each of his many attempts to break free simply proved to him the impossibly of the situation. Then he is born again. Suddenly, resident within him is all the power he needs to quit his habit. But he fails to grasp just how radically things have changed. Convinced by his past failures that he cannot break free, he never bothers to use to the full his new, God-given power to break the habit. The result, of course, is that he remains a slave to the habit that he could be free from.

Finding Love

A woman has never in her life experienced true, selfless love. Her every attempt to find such love has only resulted in pain and exploitation and deceit. Then she meets God. Suddenly it’s a whole new ball game. God is like no one she has ever met before. He is perfect. He is utterly selfless. He loves not for what he can get but for what he can give. He loves not because a person is lovable but because he is loving; not because of how desirable a person is, but because, being omnipotent, he can transform that person into someone wonderful. But that woman can be so overwhelmed by all her past failures to find love that she fails to realize how different God is, and so she could waste her whole life starved of the love she desperately needs.

Defeatism and Rubik’s Cubes

I find myself hampered by defeatism in many areas of my life. Here’s one example. With many types of puzzles, for example, experience has taught me that no matter how hard I try, I will still fail to solve them. “I’ll fail anyhow, so why bother wasting lots of effort?” I tell myself. Weighed down by this attitude, I give up before giving it my best, most determined and most persistent effort. Surprise, surprise, with only a half-hearted attempt I don’t succeed, thus reinforcing my conviction that I’ll never succeed.

It would seem that giving children puzzles that at their age they are unlikely to succeed in, might turn them into defeatists with such games. More worrying still, is that defeatism in this area might possibly carry over into other areas of life and might last throughout one’s life.

Certain new experiences can trigger paralyzing memories of past helplessness. It is important to remind ourselves that despite certain similarities between the past and present situation, there are key differences that mean we are no longer helpless. Such knowledge is vital but the strong illusion of helplessness will remain. It is like convincing someone with a spider phobia that a particular spider is harmless. Knowing that it is harmless is an important first step, but the person can still be frozen with fear. It takes not just knowledge but great courage to break free.

Past defeats do not lock us into lifelong defeat. With Almighty God, we can always break through. Like elephants that grow to have superhuman strength, Christians are born again with superhuman strength. Resident within them is not only divine power, but God himself. But as we saw with the ‘trained’ elephant, great power will not help us unless we exert our most determined effort to resist whatever seeks to dominate us. If we don’t bother to try our hardest because we believe that within us is little more than human frailty, we’ll remain humiliated, languishing under the misconception that we are still as powerless as we were in our pre-Christian days.

 

Support in breaking blockages that hinder healing

“I had always thought it was my fault!”

It is common for people to wrongly be convinced that they were to blame for being molested as a child. The more certain you are that it was your fault, the more you need to read Why children mistakenly believe they have “seduced” sex offenders.

The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused

So powerful is sex that it is almost inevitable that any sexual encounter – no matter how despised and unwanted – will contain elements of pleasure and deep bonding. In an unwanted encounter, these are highly obnoxious consequences of sex but they are such an integral part of sex that they are almost impossible to completely remove from forced sex. This fact is so rarely understood that sex crime victims usually end up loathing themselves or at least being confused and deeply disturbed over what is just a normal reaction to unwanted sex.

Vast numbers of abuse survivors know from bitter experience that pleasure inflicted by a sexual predator can be more damaging than severe physical pain. Some survivors, however, have experiences so different that they find this incomprehensible or even offensive. Experiences differ for the simple reason that abusers differ in their techniques.

If predators are sufficiently skilled, the pleasure they inflict will be sexual. Otherwise – in the case of pedophiles – the pleasure their victims feel will be the gifts they bribe children with or the attention they give love-starved children. Rapists can even force unwilling adult victims to experience sexual pleasure. This very pleasure inflicts horrific, but quite unnecessary, pangs of guilt.

A degree of pleasure or bonding in no way justifies the offender, nor in any way hints that the victim might be perverted or immoral.

The memory of pleasure suffered (yes, “suffered” is the right word) during abuse might currently be suppressed but it could surface at any time. So it is good to prepare oneself by learning about this rarely understood consequence of unwanted sex.

More about this vital, frequently misunderstood subject

Vent your Anger

What the person who hurt you deserves. The execution of justice on your behalf. Turning hate into healing. A moving, enlightening and therapeutic experience that could forever change your life.

Sweet revenge!

Discovering that you don’t hate God after all

In your pain it was natural for you to lash out at the hideous, unfeeling monster you supposed was God. The God you thought you hated is just a figment of your tormented imagination. It’s time you met the real God – your Healer.

Just as there are things about its loving mother that a tiny child cannot comprehend, mysteries remain when we try to understand the infinitely superior mind of God. Nevertheless, the following webpages will help.

If Anyone has Reason to Hate God, it’s Sue A rape victim grapples with God

Where was God when you suffered unspeakable horrors?

Why I Hate The Myth of a Cruel Christian God

God’s plans for you are comforting, not fearful

Life’s Mysteries Explained

Discovering God’s love for you

Tragically, so many people bungle through life living shallow, wasted lives. Through Jesus we can leave behind a meaningless life of selfishness headed for endless regret. We can choose a life in which every second counts for all eternity, achieving the highest good in union with the God who made you and loves you more than life itself. Life can be crammed with so many urgent things that we forget the really important ones. Don’t let this wonderful opportunity slip from your grasp. Make life’s most important issue top priority.

You Can Find Love: What your fantasies reveal A most significant webpage

The key to supernatural healing Why Christ’s suffering can change your life.

God as Mother Feminine aspects of God. Healing for those whose father let them down.

You are loved When you can’t feel God’s love

Release from blaming yourself

Handling guilt is the first of many helpful and encouraging webpages about overcoming guilt feelings. Follow the links.

Overcoming feelings of worthlessness

To God, you are special

Power to escape the trap of bitterness

Should you forgive your abuser?

This most serious, often misunderstood, issue is carefully examined in two special webpages listed below. It is vital for your healing that you read them. So much hinges on this delicate matter.

I am convinced that just as martyrs are especially honored in heaven, so are those who have suffered greatly and yet have forgiven.

Forgiving others is tough. It is so critical to our own emotional and spiritual well being that our spiritual enemy strongly attacks us on this issue. Nevertheless, divine help is available.

People suffering great difficulty in forgiving others usually have as the basis of their agony the (sometimes subconscious) pain of having great difficulty forgiving themselves. The two sides of forgiveness – forgiving yourself and forgiving others – rise or fall together. Many people raging against someone else’s guilt are pressured by a subconscious urge to keep suppressed the tortured screams of their own conscience. Peace soothes our troubled mind when we dwell on the extent of the forgiveness and purity that we have in Christ. When we realize how much God has forgiven us, it becomes easier to act more Godlike and have that same forgiving attitude toward ourselves and others. For this reason, I recommend beginning with the webpages about handling guilt.

Breaking the stranglehold of bitterness:

Unforgivable!

Lord make him regret what he did to me!

Recovery from sexual abuse

The Path to Healing A brief and most helpful overview of the steps to full healing from the devastation of abuse.

Supernatural Solutions Covers many aspects of healing from abuse.

Overcoming destructive thinking

Whether it be the desire to hurt yourself, or to hate yourself, or to hate others, it is a temptation.

Becoming a Winner! begins a series of webpages about overcoming temptation. Follow the links.

When You Can’t Forget

When haunted by memories, or terrorized by flashbacks

Learning to appreciate your sexuality

It is natural that anyone for whom sex has been a source of suffering would to some extent resent the fact that God made us sexual beings.

Celebrate your sexuality This webpage is intended particularly for singles but could help anyone for whom sex has unpleasant memories.

How holy wives express marital love

This, of course, is intended for wives or women close to marriage. There are some useful thoughts there, but expect many of the suggestions to be beyond what you are presently capable of doing.

When You Don’t Want Marital Relations

It might be so severe that you are determined never to marry, or maybe it is just that an aspect of the physical side of marriage makes you feel a little uncomfortable, but an almost inevitable consequence of sexual trauma is a lowered enjoyment of sex. You deserve the full restoration of the ability to enjoy marital relations. There is a web series specifically written to help you:

When a Woman Doesn’t Want Sex

Lost virginity

The enormity of God’s forgiveness makes all of his children chaste virgins in his sight, but how would a potential Christian marriage partner see you?

Who says Christian men prefer women who are physically virgins?

Lost Virginity Can Be Restored

Handling Depression

Dark Blessings Follow the links.

When you can’t feel God

Spiritual Wilderness Survival Guide

The Healing Secrets of 7 Abused Women

Mary Lee: My Miraculous Healing from Child Abuse

Healing from sexual abuse: A Significant Testimony

For the abused: A Beautiful Poem by a sexually abused woman

Patti Willis: A Testimony of Hope

Sexual abuse led to substance abuse: I was Gang Raped

Finding answers to hate and anger: If Anyone has Reason to Hate God, it’s Sue

Personalized support

E-mail Grantley Morris, the author of these webpages: healing@net-burst.com

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Change of pace

Exciting webpages by Grantley Morris on many other subjects

Stimulating, compassionate, often humorous, webpages

My Shame The limitations of these webpages

Not to be sold. © Copyright 2002, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged; if used in a webpage, the new page is significantly different to this one. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.com  Freely you have received, freely give.
For use outside these limits, consult the author.