Moving comments by readers of this webpage
A Former Stripper and Playboy Model Tells
Shooting Darts of Lustful Stares
How Porn Users Hurt Their Children
So many women suffer the pain of feeling undesirable because their men enjoy looking at other women. The following is by a former Playboy model who discovered to her horror that rather than protect her from this devastation, being endowed with a body that porn addicts find attractive, simply meant her body attracted porn addicts men whose sexuality has been so twisted that they can no longer be satisfied with visually enjoying one woman. And, unknown to her at the time of her marriage, she ended up marrying such a man.
So although people would think it desirable to be physically attractive to men, even that ends up being a no-win situation. Those attracted to a woman because of her body are likely to be the very ones who cannot stop violating the exclusivity of the marriage bond by getting their thrills from gloating at other women.
Now wondrously transformed by the power of Christ into a beautiful, happily married woman of God, Courtney, with her years of experience in the sex industry, has a unique perspective from which to view this topic. She writes:
Grantley, your webpages about nudity, porn and lust are so right. Most men are so blinded to the reality of this subject as to seem beyond rational help. My husbands addiction to porn was the beginning of the end of my first marriage.
I know what it is like to be the object of lust. I have posed for Playboy. I was one of the top dancers at a strip club in Los Angeles that was and still is known for having the most beautiful women in the industry. I worked for Mattel as a spokes model for Barbie. I worked for escort agencies that provided women to sports figures, CEOs, celebrities, and so on.
During the years I spent trying to be the ideal woman (physically) I never would have admitted how miserable I was. If you had met me then I would have told you how carefree I was. I put up an air of bravado and confidence that was the biggest lie of all. I would say anything to a man that he wanted to hear. Most men that I came across in those years of my life wanted to hear that I loved being paraded about and flaunted, that I somehow desired to have sex with other women (which couldnt be further from the truth!), that I loved being the life of the party, and so on.
They were lies I told in hopes of someone falling in love with me. My upbringing combined with the experiences that life brought my way had me believing that I would be rejected if I ever revealed my true self by admitting to a man that I hated wearing skimpy, tight clothes, that I resented spending hours a day working on my appearance just to be seen with them, that I felt insanely deep stabs of pain anytime a man I really cared about even looked at another woman, that I wanted to be loved for who I really was and I am truly an introvert that is painfully shy and insecure.
I did not attempt friendships with most other women because they were threats competition. The only female friends I made during those years were other women working in the industry that bared their souls to me and we shared the secrets of how we had grown to actually despise men (praise God He is healing me in this area), and how insecure and lonely we were. One of my closest friends that worked with me at the club was a precious, sweet child (she was only 18 when I met her). She was extremely petite and had huge eyes that peered into your soul. She had a beautiful heart and desperately wanted love. She ended up putting a gun to her head and killing herself at the young age of 22 because she felt so unlovable. She also feared that at 22 she was getting old and unattractive.
I dont think either men or women have any idea what absolute inner pain and longing for acceptance that it takes for a woman to lay herself bare before the world to see, whether it be on a stage, in pictures, or in a hotel room. It is a huge cry of desperation and longing for love, not lust.
Having been involved first hand in the sex industry, it really upsets me now when I come across wonderful Christian sisters who dress in a way that is lewd. I must admit that I understand the pressures of society put upon women to be sexually attractive. I have been repeatedly been told as far back as I can remember that what matters most in a woman is her looks. My earthly father instilled that belief in me from day one. It was literally beat into me from the beginning, then by high school boyfriends, then by my first husband, and on and on. It is a difficult thing to battle against.
I used to be obsessed with working out (two hours a day six days a week), tanning, having my hair, nails and makeup done professionally, etc. It can become a very serious area of sin. Just a few weeks ago my wonderful, loving husband pointed out to me that I need to prayerfully repent from the sin of vanity. I felt like I had been hit between the eyes with a two-by-four! I thought I had pretty much overcome this area as I no longer obsess over being extremely thin, I no longer get my nails done, I no longer dress suggestively (I spend most days wearing scrubs and tennis shoes!) but he is right. By constantly looking in the mirror and hating any imperfection I am still waging war in this area of sin!
Another woman writes:
I dress nicely, but even when it defied fashion I have always worn very long skirts and dresses. If I have even a scoop neckline on a dress, I wear a top under it that completely covers me up to my collar bone.
Dealing with the public every day, I experience the very things that you refer to in your writings. I have caught men giving me that look. I have felt violated. I recoil inside, but there is nowhere to run away and hide from what they do. It is a rape of sorts, and I had come to accept that instant ugly feeling as part of living. I have been told it is something I have to learn to deal with (like a penalty) because I am attractive and have an outgoing friendly nature.
That ugly feeling, however, doesnt last just instant. It stays and haunts and makes me very nervous forever after, around the guy who did it. I am glad that you have addressed this stuff. I have now had two pastors abuse me in two different ways because they didnt know how to deal with the very things that you spoke of. Its bad enough when the secular world does these things but to get hit by those in spiritual authority over you, is disillusioning, hurtful and guilt-weighing.
Nowhere to hide
Shooting darts of lustful stares (from S-E Asia)
How I wish men would read your webpage.
I couldnt do more to discourage shooting darts of lustful stares and roving eyes, yet I still get them! I get it worst from old men. Sometimes I get so angry I stare back and guess what they do : they just continue to gape. If I try to move or walk away from their line of sight they literally turn around and stare!
When I mention this problem to other Christian ladies they give the most bizarre answers. Some even suggested that like attracts like and similar spirits attract. In plain language theyre saying that I have a spirit of lust so Id better go and do some exorcism or something! I felt so disgusted that I just let the subject drop. Then another woman told me that I should feel flattered to attract so much attention! Well if that was my aim in life then I wouldve gone into the entertainment industry! So much for sympathy from my own sexual clan! Therefore its quite an eye-opener to see a man writing on this issue. Incidentally, I hear very, very little preaching on this issue.
My father, an artist, has always praised the female form and beauty of a naked womans body and made the distinction between art and pornography. I grew up with nude models in the house and sketches of my naked mom all over the walls. Not only that, but skinny-dipping in the creek with mixed crowds from the time I was a child till just recently. It all seemed just fine and innocent.
Just a few years ago, I began to seriously consider the opposite view for the first time. At first it was more than I could bear, to consider that what seemed a foundation of my childhood playing naked by the creek, etc could have been wrong. Ive slowly come to the conclusion that my parents were too overboard on nudity, and I also began to remember with shame times when I had exposed my naked womans body to men and knew in my heart that it was probably a stumbling block to them, but I hardened my heart and didnt care.
However, when I read the section of your webpage that deal with this issue, I could feel something breaking in me. I thought I had repented and understood the issue clearly but evidently not, because it really stirred a reaction within me. I felt a combination of conviction and sorrow at my lost innocence (Im still a virgin but only by a shred of skin). Ive seen so many naked men, that part of my heart has grown way too hard about the beauty and sacredness of what the Lord intended me to feel about this. I also felt somewhat nauseous, and that I need to weep before the Lord over this whole thing.
Thank you so much for writing this, Grantley. It has really helped me. You explained it in such a way that it finally hit home with me, and pierced through a layer of tolerance for sin that I didnt know was there.
(As is the case with all these quotes, the following is shared with the writers full, written permission.)
My name is Edie. Im 15 years old, and I recently found your site. The articles about pornography and masturbation destroying a marriage were very helpful to me, and partially eased the tension I was feeling. You see, the reason I stumbled upon your website is that I am looking for answers about my parents divorce. I will try to make this long and rather sordid story as short as possible, so that I can get to my question for you.
About two and a half years ago, my father began to pull away more and more from our family. He studied, or rather, told us that he was, up to 12 hours a day in his office in the basement, adjoining our playroom. I was naive and thought nothing of it until one day, my sister, then about 9 or 10, came to me and told me that she had walked into his office to catch him with his pants down touching himself with a naked woman on the computer screen. She was repulsed, and was embarassed to tell our mother, so we agreed not to say anything. In subsequent months, we found some shall we say, EXPLICIT links on the computer, as well as hoards of the Victorias Secret magazines that I had received since I began shopping there.
Last fall, my mother finally decided to divorce him. He later admitted that he does have an addiction to pornography. In addition, about a month ago, during one of our court-mandated visits to his house, I saw about three porn sites on the shared computer that he had forgotten to close before we arrived.
I suppose I respect his right to do what he wants in private, though I might not think it moral, but in my opinion, he has crossed the line. He has told my sister repeatedly that she absolutely did not see him masturbating to porn, to the point that she is very confused and disillusioned about the whole situation. He also at first denied vehemently that the porn sites that I found last month were entered by him. After telling me that they were pop-ups, that I was lying to him about their existence, that I was trying to frame him, etc, etc, he finally admitted to having used them, and went on to describe in graphic detail (DESPITE OUR PLEADING FOR HIM TO STOP) why he felt he needed to relieve himself, although he has a girlfriend who stays the night, which is 1) immoral, and 2) not an excuse for porn or telling his girls about it.
Anyways, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, his exploits have thoroughly disgusted me, and have caused evident problems in my sisters development. In a few words, our innocence has been taken away. This above represents a fraction of the troubles I seem to be having, but hopefully you get the drift...
Now, the reason I have asked you to read that tedious bit of my personal history is that I seek your advice.
1) Is my father justified in his pornography habits, especially in relation to us, his children? I had believed these actions to be reprehensible, especially to a man who claims to be a devout Christian, even going so far as to cite his faith as the one reason he should continue to be a part in my life.
2) Is it wrong of me to wish for him to distance himself from my sister and I at this point? I understand that God intended for every person to have a mother and a father, but I feel that he has done considerable damage to my life and the lives of my family. I have a wonderful mother, and several males that I feel very close to and who play the part of a father figure to me, so are my feelings of wanting to distance myself from him justified in the eyes of God?
3) Do you have any suggestions of how to forget my troubled past so as not to affect my relationships with the men I will encounter later in life?
I dont intend to use your answers to these questions for vengeance, but I would be very glad to hear what you have to say.
My wife asked me to stop viewing porn. I promised her but I kept breaking my promise. Then she would find out a make me promise again but porn still continued in my life.
She had asked me to stop because I believe pornography was the cause of my cheating on her last year. I had fondled a woman who was willing. If I had not felt so guilty during the act, who knows how far I would have gone.
I confessed to my wife afterward because I was feeling filthy guilty. I hurt her bad but she forgave me and asked me to stop looking at porn.
After visiting a site that I shouldnt have, porn peddlers placed a program of my computer that kept putting porn on my computer. I could not get rid of the evidence I had been viewing porn so I got worried and asked my computer friend to fixed it. He said he had a website for me, and showed me your website and told me of his own troubles with porno.
A few days later I took his suggestion to read your article on porn, thinking what could it hurt. I thank God it did hurt. It was like a branding iron on my brain searing the message your article conveyed.
I did not believe how bad I was getting in my viewing porn. I now realize it has been ruining my perspective of real loving relationship with God and my wife of 27 years. I am ashamed. I will ask God to forgive me and help me overcome.
I thank God for your website and for my friend who introduced it to me.
With flowing Tears of joy and a lighter heart.
[Name suppressed]
From a pastor
I wanted to thank and congratulate you on the wisdom and the understanding that you have made available to men.
I was addicted to porn, and it was a terrible thing.
One aspect of the porn trade most often forgotten is that it is engrossing (that is a play on words). Porn begins with a "simple nude" and ends with depravity. To get the same rush one must get more and more illicit things. It must not surprise people that porn does not stop with "soft", but goes on to implied violence and implied lesbianism, into the actual. To be supportive of one level of abuse is to be supportive of all.
Furthermore, the Devil lies behind this trade in flesh, and he invents ever more unnatural ways for women to be portrayed thus indoctrinating men with unnatural desires. I suspect that there is a spiritual and psychological link between unnatural heterosexual desires and homosexuality.
I find that the addiction still hurts. Fight as we might, only a work of grace can save us! Praise be to the Lord who is able and willing to save (and to forgive - repeatedly!!!).
From a man wounded by porn:
I am deeply moved by these webpages. I thank Jesus for inspiring you.
I have recently come to realize, and am realizing more each day, the devastating affect porn has had on my life and my marriage. Its effects have seeped into what seems like every pore of my being, certainly the way that I look at every person I encounter. Your writing accurately reflects my experience and self perception. That gives me even more hope for recovery.
From another man battling porn addiction:
Reading your webpage was an eye opener. It exposes the lie that satan uses in our everyday lives. I have fallen many times into the trap of coveting. In a society where beauty is only skin deep, your page has made some excellent points. How can any woman possibly compete with thousands of airbrushed fakes? I agree that porn conditions men to be bored with women after 30 seconds. This thinking (obviously) cannot be good for a loving relationship. How can we expect to act like Christ when we constantly condition ourselves to treasure what God abhors? Your page makes me hate my sins even more and thats exactly what it should do!
Before I was born again my relationship with my wife was largely based on the Playboy standard of lust, pride and selfishness. Looking back, I had fed so much on trash from Playboy and other worldly channels that I was only able to think of my wife in terms of my gratification, and was not motivated to please her (or God for that matter). When I was born again I knew immediately that the Lord had taken out my stony heart of selfishness and pride, and had replaced it with a new heart which had genuine love for my wife. Over the years we have continued to have a great sexual relationship. We may have other problems, but not in the area of sex.
You said that even if a woman being ogled remained totally unaware, you and God know. This is an interesting point. But another is that a victim is still a victim even if she isnt aware of it, as is the case of raping a woman who has completely passed out, murdering someone in their sleep, stealing from someone who doesnt regularly check his bank-account, etc. Indeed, it is much worse when someone is victimized without knowing it: dont they have the right to at least know when theyve been victimized?
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This webpage is great! I hope you can fathom the gratefulness I feel for such dedicated following of Gods lead.
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I will return to these webpages and "inhale" more of the revelations of Godly living that you have there!
Vital Help
Becoming a Winner! Supernatural Power to Break Lusts Stranglehold
Lifes Mysteries Explained
Fascinating Insights into Why God Allows Temptation
Reclaiming the Power of Sexual Attraction for Increasing Marital Faithfulness For Married Men
Webpages Related to this Series
Masturbation: toward a Christian View of Sexual Self-Stimulation
Romantic fiction: the female equivalent of porn?